Cook Islands Reunion

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: A | Grade It Now!
Remember When Everyone Wasn't Dumb That One Time?

Now, Jeff brings up the fact that Yul got into that People magazine article on the "Sexiest Men" issue, which Probst says with such vicious mockery that you just know, once again, that he's dying inside over the fact that he's never in it. Jeff asks Yul -- who now looks bright red even on television -- whether he's now "getting dates." Yul insists that when he first heard about the magazine, he figured it was "a practical joke." Presumably, when he started receiving extremely sincere marriage proposals in the mail (and, um, on the internet), he realized that it was no joke. He calls the magazine thing "a little bit silly," but then everything his mother taught him kicks in, and he says that he appreciates the editors' thinking enough of him to objectify him and everything. Then he says that his mom just wants him to get married. Poor Mom. Maybe she made Probst ask Becky that goofy question about romance.

Jeff then asks Yul about being in the hot tub with "two uninhibited and naked people" in Ozzy and Parvati during that late reward, adding that he couldn't tell whether Yul considered it a "great moment" or a "worst nightmare." Yul laughs, and then says that it was "more the latter." Yeah, I'm not sure everybody would find naked Parvati all that alluring. He claims that he "wanted to get the hell out of there," but that he was afraid that Parvati would use her giant teeth and her mad bathing skillz to lure Ozzy to the dark side, so he was afraid to leave them alone. In fact, he says he waited to go to bed until Ozzy had passed out. I mean, "fallen asleep."

In my favorite moment of the reunion, Jeff asks Yul what he did first when he got home, and Yul says -- I swear to God -- "I got a Costco membership and I went crazy." He explains that he bought such a haul of food that it wouldn't fit in the refrigerator, so he ate it immediately. You heard it, y'all. He went nuts at Costco. You will undoubtedly see the receipts on The Smoking Gun.

Jeff promises that, next, we will talk about where Ozzy could possibly have come from, and we'll hear from Jonathan. Jonathan!

When we return, we watch some highlights of Ozzy's challenge performances as Candice explains that he's "part fish, part monkey." Back at CBS Fake Television Fake City, Jeff Probst is about to get to do his favorite thing, which is talk about the awesomeness of Ozzy. Jeff asks Ozzy how he wound up with "all these bizarre skills." Ozzy says that he had "a very eclectic background." He says that he loved books, particularly Robinson Crusoe. Probst wants to know how he learned to swim and spear fish and climb trees. Ozzy says that the swimming came from the fact that he had a pool in his backyard growing up. He also says that a friend of his took him spear-fishing for the friend's birthday. This isn't sounding so much like an eclectic background as a privileged background, but...okay. He claims to have loved "the survival aspect" of...spearing fish in Santa Barbara. Whatever. Jeff wants to know what was Ozzy's favorite part of the experience, and Ozzy says it was "the whole damn thing." He also says he likes knowing that if he were actually stranded on a deserted island, he would be able to survive. I wonder whether he really thinks this experience demonstrates that. Because...that is delusional. They probably wouldn't give you flint and steel and periodic feasts and camera crews and fresh water. Jeff asks whether Ozzy missed the island after he left, and Ozzy says that he "fell into a deep depression" when he returned. Just like Cindy when she went home and lost her job at the zoo! "The concrete jungle kinda got to me a little," Ozzy says -- ironically sounding, more than he ever has, like he just got here from Starbucks. Apparently, he considers himself to have been at "humanity's roots." While, you know, being followed by cameras and competing in mazes before participating in ritual evictions from society. He goes on to lecture that we've all lost sight of our "primal nature," and while I think I know what he's getting at, and I could get into a whole thing here about genuineness not being about the environment so much as the people you're with, I mostly think Ozzy really needs to smoke less pot. Jeff asks about Ozzy's dad and what the status is there, in light of the very sad tribal council speech. For a minute, I think Ozzy's going to say, "What, that? I made that up for effect. My father's not dead; my father drives a taxi in Dublin!," but he doesn't. Instead, Ozzy says that his "dad" isn't really in the picture, but that his father is in the audience. Jeff clears this up by saying that the one in the audience is "the person you consider your father." "He raised me," Ozzy says, meaning that is his father, Jeff, so shut your trap. Ozzy's father waves from the audience.

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