Survivor
Crack In The Alliance

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Chicks, Hicks, Dicks, and Tricks

Last week on Survivor: Talking Rudy Doll burned the S8's fish dinner and Rich pouted about it. Kelly conveniently sprouted a conscience. Jenna went home to her beauties...and her local cosmetics counter.

It's Day Twenty-Eight on the island, as we see many shots of reclining Rattana members, including one of Idiot Seanvant repeatedly butting his head against a tree and murmuring, "Sean bad. Sean very bad." Kelly tells us that it's always weird the day after a castaway leaves because "someone's not here," and it appears that Confucius has paid another visit to the island, leaving behind such wise statements as, "When person leave, no one there." Rudy tells us that Gervase was the original target of the alliance, but that at the last minute it was "the women's idea" to vote for Jenna. As Sue and Colleen haul wood (the hauling-wood disease has spread from Pagong to Rattana), Sue says, "The sun is out. It's gonna be a nice hot day. And it's quieter. Sorry, Jenna, but man you talk a lot." But didn't Jenna drive Colleen wild with her constant chatter and pink bikini? Sue continues to trash Jenna, and loyal Colleen and charming Gervase jump right in. They both say they thought Jenna would have been voted out soon; Gervase adds that he "loves the surprise." In a confessional, he tells us, "They can deny an alliance all they want, but there's gotta be an alliance. " And here I officially conclude that the S16 were not chosen for their deductive reasoning skills. Sean tells us he's still not convinced there's an alliance, and also that he's still not sure the sun doesn't rotate around the earth and that since he's never seen any proof that the Tooth Fairy doesn't exist, he still leaves his teeth under his pillow. Colleen seems particularly irritated with Idiot Seanvant and claims that he "lead the way for Jenna to be kicked off the other day," but in no way did Colleen lead the way by voting for her own teammate two weeks ago. Colleen and Gervase have already been spared or suffered through Idiot Seanvant's strategy, so I'm not clear why they're so upset about it.

We then see a replay of Just Peachy's finest hour, when he says, "'J' is for Jenna," as the deciding vote is called. Rich then tells us in a confessional that Idiot Seanvant has realized his vote "impacted" who got voted off when Jenna was "dejected." I don't argue that Jenna may well have left that Tribal Council feeling dejected, but I think the word he's looking for here is actually "ejected." Idiot Seanvant borrows a cup of ego from Rich and tells us, "Whatever vote I was gonna go they were gonna copy. If I knew that I would certainly have abandoned the strategy earlier." We then see Idiot Seanvant sitting with the group and yelling to everyone about his strategy, and it appears to be one quarter for the benefit of his fellow castaways and three quarters for the benefit of the television cameras hovering nearby. He rambles on about how he was subconsciously targeting people and finally concludes that he's abandoning his alphabetical ways. Colleen tells us that someone forgot to tell Idiot Seanvant that Survivor was a game. I accidentally pause my television here on a drippy shot of Idiot Seanvant in mid-blink, looking particularly Charlie from Rain Man. Colleen tells us Idiot Seanvant is "very concerned about people's emotions and feelings, which is wonderful if, you know, you're taking care of a pet." The editing throughout this segment is really weird. We see a shot of a lounging, suspicious-looking Rich during the "taking care of a pet" part, whereas such a shot is usually reserved for alliance talk. And then for some reason we cut to a particularly wide-eyed tousled-hair Playboy-centerfold shot of Colleen lazing about in a hammock and staring sideways, which would have been better used during the Colleen/Greg part of the manipulative editing. Idiot Seanvant tells he felt "scummy" and that "every single one of 'em has tried to form a strategy with me, personally," and he sounds very proud when he says, this like they were all picking him first for their kickball team. And besides, I didn't see any of those people jumping on board the alphabetical train. Last week, Idiot Seanvant told us that no one had ever mentioned an alliance to him, so either he is a liar, has an extremely poor short-term memory, or they're using their footage out of chronological order again. In a moment that made my blood curdle, Rich psychopathically tells us that it's "utterly, utterly, utterly naive," for the others to think there's "room for" strategizing now. Gervase's granddaddy momentarily inhabits his body as Gervase sensibly states that Rich is too confident and needs to be taken down.

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