Survivor
Crocs, Cowboys And City Slickers

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: B- | Grade It Now!
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Go, Go, Golden Boy

Back at camp, Jamie is still suffering loudly over his inability to get the rope done. "Can't do it all, kid," Judd says. Steph, on the other hand, gives an interview in which she says that Jamie is cocky, which we know, and that he went off about how he could cut right through the rope, and then he goes and gets whipped by "a twenty-two-year-old farm boy." Actually, a twenty-two-year-old farm boy is probably the target demographic for fast rope-cutting, so that's not exactly her best argument, not that Steph would win a challenge in finding her best argument these days. She goes into another round of how she can't stand to be the big loser again, yada blah zippety, and she insists she's "never going to cry in front of any of them." On the other hand, she says, "Deep down, my heart is breaking." Oh, this is not your heart breaking, dear. This is losing at a game show. Big difference. It's not that I doubt it's extremely frustrating, but this "I'm in a bad dream" number she's pulling here is just too much. There's no such thing as a Very Special Episode of Survivor, and if there were, one would think it wouldn't revolve around the wrenching tragedy of something that's inherently a part of the game. Like LOSING. The rain pours down on Nakum, and Steph voices over that can't stand to relive her Palau experience -- can we please get a hook here? -- and complains that her tribe is always "the less able group." Or, as she then says, "the group that basically...sucks." Which is fine, and I sympathize with her in the limited sense that, at the switch, she did kind of get kicked over to a winning tribe, only to be stuck with the half of that tribe that didn't seem to be responsible for very much of the winning. It's true that to have Bobby Jon, Blake, Danni, and Brandon all shipped off would feel like you got screwed. But...this is not going to help Steph's situation.

Later on Night 13 at Yaxha, we are in the middle of quite the driving rainstorm. Most of the tribe is out under the umbrella, but Brian and Blake are still sleeping in the shelter. Nobody seems to know whether this is because they've found the only dry places or whether it's because they're sleeping through, but Amy takes the opportunity to introduce "Golden Boy," her nickname for Blake. She explains to us that Blake always "comes up smelling like roses" -- hence the name. Inventive? No. But Amy carries it off with a majestic gesture and the sound of a choir singing, which helps any unoriginal line. Try it with your next knock-knock joke. Amy says that Blake does always have "the greatest stories." We cut to a montage of Blake telling stories at unspecified moments, in which he regales Gary with all his skydiving experience, brags about his experience with older women, and so forth. Brandon interviews that, indeed, it appears as though Blake's favorite topic is Blake. In fact, so great is Blake's obvious interest in things involving...Blake, that he is later seen telling the tribe about his girlfriend's big boobs, because he is that sure they all totally care. He explains how she was a DD, but then she got pills to make them even bigger. Looks of hate are either given or edited in. Both would be very understandable. He also graces us with the information that he and Bobby Jon talked about not being boob guys, but "legs and ass kinda guys." Either Actual Bobby Jon or Apocryphal Bobby Jon looks like he wants to die. Blake turns to Brandon for an opinion, and Brandon does express some skepticism about what he refers to as "novelty-size boobs." And I will award the point for that one, because that's...not a bad line. I find myself very conflicted about old Farmer Beavis. I am not, however, conflicted about Novelty Boobs Girl, who probably is feeling just a little uncomfortable at this stage of the broadcast, especially if she's still with Blake. ("You bragged? About my BOOBS?" "No, no, honey, I wasn't bragging. I was more complaining about your boobs, that they got too big.") ["Also, DD is hardly novelty-size if they sell bras to corral them at THE GAP, for God's sake." -- Wing Chun] Brian interviews that Blake is making himself look like a complete moron, and that his own favorite pastime is now to get Blake going, because he never fails to irritate the shit out of people. Or, as Brian calls it, "Bait Blake." And how do you play Bait Blake? Well, we now hear Brian -- who hates Blake's drunk stories -- say, "Blake, what is your absolute best drunk story?" Hee. Hey, Brian is outnumbered and on the ropes. What's he going to do? Predictably, Blake launches into a frat-boy idiot story that makes him look like a moron, which Brian interviews is his intent exactly. "So what you're saying, Blake, is that I wouldn't want one of my three daughters to date you," Gary offers. Blake agrees, probably not. I'm not sure Blake realizes that, lots of times, dads don't mean that as a compliment. Brian repeats that he's doing all he can to help Blake bury himself.

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