Culture Shock And Violent Storms

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: F | Grade It Now!
Hanging Chad

Bowls of kava are brought to the group, and Chris explains that everyone had his or her own bowl. As is explained by Eliza, they were told to chug the whole thing, and then spit out the last swallow. "This bowl was enormous," Eliza says. She goes on to describe the kava as tasting like "mud mixed with water and vodka." Heh. That's a pretty funny description, actually. I've never had kava, but somehow, I think I've had things just as bad. They all drink, and they all spit. And it's not regular spitting, either. It's like, "PTH-AH!" Because kava is really something, I think. Eliza goes on to tell us, with her trademark childlike wonder, that right after she drank it, her mouth and her tongue started to go numb. Now I know I've had it. Indeed, in the footage of the post-chug moments, Eliza has that "blink-blink" look I associate with people who have just surpassed their limits with one swallow. Not that she doesn't always have that look, actually. Chris assures us that "kava is powerful." And you can tell that he doesn't just mean that it's powerful in the spiritual sense. It's powerful in the "knock you on your ass" sense.

And as we soon learn, the most ass-knocked of all is Chad. We watch in night vision as he tells Chris, "I feel kinda buzzed, but my coordination is just, like, 'whoooooa.'" And you should say that last word in the most Sean Penn, Fast Times At Ridgemont High voice you have. Chad admits in an interview that he wound up in a "kava-induced stupor." And then he's like, "Heh." In fact, night-vision Chad explains that he can "barely stand up." Heey, he can have a seat next to me. Chris is very entertained by Chad's deteriorating condition, and it is bringing the redneck in Chris ever farther out than usual. "Kava tore him UP!" Chris says happily, in his wingman way. Then Chris puts his arm around Chad and thumps him on the chest in this "oh, you adorable goddamn drunk, now don't fall over, there" way that's really rather endearing, especially since Chad has this completely blank, plastered expression on his face. Chad is escorted to a tent to lie down. Lightweight. As Chad lies with a blanket over him, he looks right at the camera and moans, "Kavaaaaa." It's really, really funny, actually. And then he rolls over and passes out, pretty much.

And it's too bad he couldn't stay up, because there is more "fun" to be had. The rest of the team is attempting to enjoy the "feast," which turns out to include undercooked meat served in a wad on some banana leaves. It's not really what they had in mind when they heard that there would be feasting, although you can tell they don't want to be rude or ungrateful. Fortunately, after the meal, things get a lot better. Because it turns out that the little kids of the village have learned a song to sing to the Americans, and they're willing to teach it. Being taught to sing is a lot less dangerous than being served meat on banana leaves. I believe the song is in English, though it's hard to make out much of it beyond "We are very happy when [I think] you visit." Aw. You can tell they don't know these people at all, or you'd be able to make out the words "Don't let the door hit you" somewhere in there. A semi-drunk Chris sings along, as do Ami and Eliza, and then everyone claps. "I'm catchin' on to that song!" Chris says happily. Hee hee. I just realized that among the people Chris reminds me of is, oddly, Ty Pennington in his less annoying moments. (Yeah, yeah, I know, they are few, blah dee blah.)

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