The game is about to begin. "Survivors ready?" Jeff yells. "Get muddy!" They all run, Rich first, his belly jiggling majestically around a turn. They dive into a mud pile, writhing, rolling, and getting their hair dirty. Richard is the first to get up and run back. His shorts nearly slide down, and I almost pass out. In fact, when he gets to the bucket, big globules of mud run down from the crotch of his shorts. Erotic? I'm thinking Nauseatic. They run back again. Rich falls into a big hole, Rudy slips and falls on a hip (insert old-age joke here), and Kelly rolls around provocatively just as some soft-porn music starts playing. Mud, mud, mud, sloughed off of bodies. Kelly gets a great idea. She plops mud on her head Marge Simpson-style and runs back, looking like a chromatic member of the B-52s. Ten seconds left, and they all unload into their buckets. As time is up, they all agree that it was a blast. Kelly gets 15.9 pounds. Rudy: 10.0. Sue: 15.0. "I didn't get the heavy mud," she explains. I would agree, except...what? What heavy mud? The mud that just happens to be more dense than the rest of the mud in the same mud pile that everybody else was rolling in? You mean the extra-heavy Bolivian mud that Jeff doesn't want you to know about that was hidden three feet into the mud pile? That mud, right. Of course. How stupid of us not to notice it. Sean: 15.4. Rich: 12.8. Not even close, even with the belly. Jazzy Jeff asks for a hug and receives it, mud and all, from Kelly. "I'll see you later," he whispers seductively. "Bring a condom," she whispers, "and some chili fries." This, history will remember, is not the first, nor the last, time that Jeff Probst has been embraced by a woman covered in mud looking to get paid at the end of the allotted time.
The next sequence is some cheesy music playing as the five contestants walk down the beach in slow motion, covered in gray mud against a colorful, tropical backdrop. The effect makes them look like a reverse Pleasantville.
Back at camp, Sue wishes she had a bigger chest to carry more mud. If you win the million dollars, Sue, you can have all the mud-carrying power you want. Rudy says he's been muddy, but not this muddy. Probably he means the muddiness of his soul, dirtied by all the people he's killed in the name of democracy. Just a thought. Kelly is thrilled to have won, and hopes she's on a winning streak, having won the previous immunity challenge. Everybody gets in the water to wash off the mud. Sean says that everybody was pissy before the challenge, but now everybody's spirits are up again. People rub mud off each other in the water, and before Rudy can yell out that he's spotted the island of Sappho, Kelly and Sue are rubbing mud off each other for what seems like a disproportionate amount of time. Wily CBS editors! The Howard Stern vibe is broken when Rich tells us that not only are they bathing each other, they're also popping each other's zits. Then we get a visual. I open a second beer to dull the piercing pain, something much stronger than those wussy Bud Lights they have planned for Kelly. Sue says that she and Kelly are the only girls on the island (define "girl," Sue, because I think you're a lot manlier than Sean over there) and they're sticking together till the end. Or until she votes Kelly off.