Survivor

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Ressell Mania

Li'l Russell shakes his head and ... cries. Probst rubs it in, saying Li'l Russell has bared his soul (or lack thereof) and played a strong game in his first two attempts. Not strong enough, I'd like to add. Remember, he lost. Twice. Li'l Russell sobs, and I'm thisclose to feeling sorry for the guy (unlike Kristina, who watches everything with this awesome delighted look on her face) when Li'l Russell shakes it off and says he "respects this game too much" to go out sobbing like he did at the Samoa finale. He says his tribe does not respect the game, and so they threw a challenge just to get rid of him because he's that amazing. Li'l Russell says he's a "professional quarterback" playing with Pee-Wee leaguers, and had to do everything because they couldn't. Um, like what? Alienate the majority alliance and lie around showing off your armpit sores? I fail to see how that sustained the tribe.

Ralph can keep quiet no longer. He says his tribe is doing great with or without Li'l Russell, and that he refused to show them the idol clue, thus causing them to lose trust in him. Not like the clue mattered anyway, Ralph says, adding that he'd already found the idol by that point. Everyone else stands around looking uncomfortable at the turn this has all taken. Li'l Russell tells Ralph to show him the idol if he has it. Ralph reaches into his bag to get it, and Sarita quietly tells him to stop while Li'l Russell tells Phillip and Kristina that they now know who has the idol on the other tribe. Ralph wisely listens to Sarita and says he doesn't have the idol and was just joking, but the damage has already been done. Li'l Russell laughs and says Ralph is obviously a dumbass, because he just gave away crucial information to the other tribe. Li'l Russell doesn't realize that the other tribe is represented by Phillip, who is insane, and Kristina, who doesn't seem to give a shit anymore, so who knows how useful this information will really be against Li'l Russell's former tribe. Probst is giving Li'l Russell way too much time here, and asks Ralph if he was telling the truth or not when he said he had the idol. Ralph says maybe he does, and maybe he doesn't.

Phillip decides to interject at this point, reminding us all that he once earned a living figuring out whether or not people are telling the truth, and thus he knows that Ralph has an idol. You don't have to be a Former Federal Agent or even a Former Federal Agent? to figure that one out, though. Li'l Russell tells them that Sarita is "in charge" and Mike and Steve are "a team." "Glad I came," Phillip says. Is Sarita actually in charge? That's pretty cool. Li'l Russell says that now that he has given Onomatopoeia the gift of knowledge that they will surely be able to use to crush his former tribe, his legacy will endure in the game even after he leaves it. How about he just fucking leaves it already? He can float away on a river of his bitter, bitter tears. Or just throw his buff in the fire and walk out. Whatever. Classy as always, Li'l Russell's final (until the finale, when I'm sure he'll get plenty of screentime again) words to us are disgust in his former tribemates, who he thinks only played this game for fame and/or money, unlike Li'l Russell, who hasn't tried to make any money or give himself any kind of fame out of this at all. "This is my last time playing this game," he promises. Sure. See you next fucking season, troll.

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Survivor

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