Survivor
Earthquakes And Shake Ups!

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: B- | Grade It Now!
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I Feel The Earth Move...Zzzzz...

Yasur, Day 11. The team returns dejectedly to their camp, as Eliza tells us that nobody was really concentrating on the loss, because they were getting the feel of the new tribe dynamic, by which she means, "counting to five over and over again and making sure we're confident that it's more than two." Rory and Bubba thank the women for making them feel at home. They chat, and Eliza gives up the information that they have sugar cane to suck on. Bubba gets a chance to try some, after Rory cautions him to remember he's not trying to swallow it. Bubba interviews about being nervous, "sweating like a prostitute in church," like, that's really not that funny, so stop trying to be amusing. Because you're not. And...do prostitutes sweat in church? Out of nervousness, is that the idea? Because if you're a prostitute, and you've gotten as far as to go to church, I wouldn't think you'd be all that nervous once you get there. I'm not convinced he didn't leave out part of that down-home witticism. Like, "sweating like a prostitute in church in a mink coat in July" or something.

The women immediately put Rory and Bubba to work pulling up trees and carrying things and whatnot. Because that's what boys are for! Lisa starts, at one point, to show the guys how to split open coconuts, the way they were taught by Da. "Why?" Ami asks in a snotty little voice. "Why what?" Lisa asks. "Why show them?" Ami snots back. "'Cause I think it's kind of cool." "Well, we don't have to be cool," Ami says. "We're cool without showing them." Excuse me, moron, she didn't say she was cool. She said it was cool. You want to listen at all, just a little? Lisa doesn't get why Ami is being a jerk about showing the guys how to split open a fucking coconut, and Ami basically has no argument whatsoever, so she just stands there, looking bitchy, with her giant fake (or at least fake-looking) boobs. ["Oh no, it's a boob-off!" -- Wing Chun] Once again, Lisa says that she just wants to show the guys how to open a coconut because she thinks it's kind of cool how you do it, and Ami says, "I don't need to be showing them stuff to be cool." And once again, that is not what Lisa said, for crying out loud. Ami is either not listening or she's not very bright, because Lisa didn't say she was doing it to make herself seem cool. She said she wanted to show them the trick to splitting a coconut, and the trick is cool. Ami interviews that she was so glad that the guys started doing menial labor, and then she claims that she was "irritated" to see that the women's "bond" was somehow being compromised: "I just don't think it's really that important that we show them all of our secrets." Like how to split coconuts? Do you really think the guys are going to outvote you suddenly because they know how to split coconuts? And what is that "bond" thing? Are we at a retreat now? Do I need a unity drum? How does it compromise your "bond" if the guys know how to suck on sugar cane? Ami is so full of shit, and it goes perfectly with her idiotic BS about "let the girls braid your hair" that she unleashed on Twila. She is my first official bone-deep hate of the season, based on this scene. That kind of idiotic, "the women must bond over domestic secrets and primping" crapola drives me out of my bird. It's like we're all refugees from a Steel Magnolias casting call, talking about our suck-ass husbands and boyfriends, putting each other's hair in curlers, and pushing back our cuticles. Bite me, Ami.

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