Suddenly our S5 are at the "Outback Internet Café." No commentary I have could do justice to that assault on my sanity. Peachy tells them that, "thanks to technology," they will be able to chat online with their loved ones at home. A satellite feed -- awesome! A telephone -- nice! A photograph -- okay! But email? That just sucks. But the S5 manage to muster up some excitement as Peachy explains that their loved ones will answer a series of survival-related trivia questions; the survivor whose family answers the most questions correctly receives a "private thirty-minute chat" and a $500 care package for his/her family. Peachy says, "Point, click, shop -- twenty-four hours later they'll have a package," and either the scripting for this show is getting worse, or I'm maxed out on bad dialogue. The S5 hoot and holler over the credit card like they've never seen one before. It's too bad Kelly Wigleworth's not around, because she could explain the pros and cons of credit-card use. Peachy then tells them that it wouldn't be an internet café without coffee and danish, so the S5 get more free food for doing absolutely nothing. They each get to say initial hellos and Peachy says, "I'll pour you a cup of coffee, pick your favorite danish," because it's got to be about him.
Tina goes first, because she looks desperate. He fusses over pouring her a cup of coffee and goes on about the danish again. This danish thing is overdone; really, who gives a crap about a danish? Tina chats with her husband and children on a blueberry iMac. There's a family-cam at Tina's home, which shows us her unexpectedly young-looking husband and her expectedly young-looking children. My husband thought Tina's husband was one of her kids until I told him otherwise. He also guessed her age to be around fifty, so I don't think Tina would like my husband very much. Tina's daughter wears a lot of makeup. And I just realized something: from the first time I saw her, Tina reminded me of Dr. Laura crossed with Darva Conger crossed with Florence Henderson. And Florence Henderson hawks an oil product on television called Wesson. And Tina's last name just happens to be exactly that. Coincidence? I think not. In any case, either each family owns their own laptop, or Survivor provides them. But they're not blueberry iBooks, so what's the point? Tina's husband calls her "babe" and says, "Cool!" as he sends a message off. Tina reads it out loud and sasses, "You go girl!"
It's now Elisabeth's turn to talk to her mother, father, and unfortunate-looking brother. Her father has kooky glasses. Her brother has kooky glasses. And Elisabeth has kooky glasses. This must be the Kooky Eyewear Family. The other contestants look really happy for Elisabeth, as they did for Tina. Rodger and Colby snicker over something. Elisabeth weepily writes that she's "safe and sound" and signs her name "Bessy." The families and S5 must have been forced to read the messages -- both sent and received -- aloud. If they were going for sympathy, they took a wrong turn at "maudlin" and ended up at "cheesy." ["You're right. I still bawled, though." -- Wing Chun] Bessy's mother wastes precious emailing time telling Elisabeth that her brother and father are there. She then makes further good use of her sparsely allotted time by inquiring, "What's happening?" Elisabeth is sad because there's no time to tell them what's happening. She blows the blueberry iMac a kiss and scurries off. It's thirty days, people, not thirty years.