Everyone's Hero

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: C+ | Grade It Now!
Smoothie Operators

Previously on Whine-ingen Versus the Ants: Morgan was trapped in a vortex of ineptitude powerful enough to suck the innards out of a cow. Drake got itchy about booting somebody, and Burton got bitchy about making sure it was Christa. Osten, given the opportunity to sink or swim, vacillated longer than you'd think a guy would want to. This allowed Drake to crow over a reward-challenge victory that netted them a looted lantern and a completed map to their buried treasure. Or, rather, "treasure," given that it turned out to be as moldy as the drywall in a below-grade finished basement. Rupert continued to take his pirate identity way too much to hearrrrrrr-t. Later, at the immunity challenge, Drake took a literal dive, forcing Rupert to take figurative flight over to the Camp of the Damned for a few days. Jon boozed it up at tribal council and earned himself the unchallenged top spot on Jeff Probst's not-so-secret list of People Who Would Make Adequate Soup Ingredients In The Event We Run Out Of Rice. In the end, Burton got his buff bottom bounced, and Christa voted and ran away, living to talk through her nose another day.

Credits. "Welcome to Survivor, I am your DEAD SKULL!" Wait, doesn't anybody else hear that voice? Okay, never mind. I'll be over here having a little nap.

Commercials. You know, "Cheek to Cheek" is a good song, and I don't much appreciate the fact that they're besmirching it through this association with Wendy's Deep-Fried Pressed Chicken Wads or whatever those nasty things are. The only poultry reference associated with that song should be the feathers falling off Ginger Rogers's dress.

It's night twelve and time for night-vision at Drake, where the team is returning from tribal council. "Weeeeell, well, well," says Jon, proving himself to be the rare contestant who can, without saying anything of substance, inspire nausea so powerful it can fell nearby trees. Around the campfire, Jon (for some reason) decides to "out" the fact that Shawn voted for Burton. Why Jon thinks this is a smart thing to do is anyone's guess. Obviously, if Shawn only voted for Burton knowing Burton would be booted, that means he wants the tribe to know how he voted. That's the only reason, in fact, that he would do it. Jon clearly thinks he's being crafty, but in case you haven't noticed, he's a complete idiot, so "crafty" may mean something different to him than it does to you or me. I kind of like the way Jon looks in night-vision, because the dead black eyes allow me to imagine that he's slowly and painfully being devoured by something that has already taken his corneas.

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