Survivor
Everyone's Hero

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Miss Alli: C+ | Grade It Now!
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Smoothie Operators

Ryan-O interviews, with a grin, "The smartest thing this tribe ever did was get a hold of Rupert." Aww. He is so cute. Rupert takes a swig from a canteen.

Commercials. Ah, yes, AOL 9.0 -- for people who still think the internet has too darn many buttons.

Back at Morgan, Rupert goes to retrieve the boat-mail, or whatever we're calling it. He winds up with a paddle with a poem written on it, suggesting that the reward challenge will have something to do with boats (duh) and will offer a shot at something having to do with getting clean. It's about time, considering that their collective writhing stank is probably about ready to hatch fully-formed as an adult, like Jonathan Winters on Mork and Mindy. Tijuana's face lights up so pleasantly at the prospect of an effective washing that I instantly want her to win. Rupert explains to Morgan about his attitude toward the challenge, which is that as much as he likes Drake, he wants to beat them so that they will learn that they win challenges because of him. See, that's where Rupert loses me again. No matter how much people suck up to him and no matter how much love they give him, Rupert is always looking for opportunities to wave his own importance around. It's like a four-year-old at his own birthday party, surrounded by presents and cake and red juice but still needing to walk up to the other kids and grab their goody bags, yelling, "IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!" I hate that kind of kid. I always want to break all his stuff.

The tribes meet up on the beach, and they are welcomed by Jeff "Don't Cross Me" Probst. He explains the challenge: each tribe will get in a boat and paddle along a course. At four points along the course, someone will hop out and dive for a pair of wooden pieces that eventually will be assembled into a ladder. They have to be put together in a particular way, because the rungs have different-shaped ends. It reminds me of my two-year-old nephew's shape sorter ball a little bit, although the look on Little B's face when he plays with it is much more cerebral than anything Andrew or Idiot Jon will be mustering any time soon. When your tribe has retrieved all the pieces, you come back to the beach and put the ladder together while one member of your tribe runs into the jungle to a well and pulls up a bucket with a little idol in it. The runner returns with the idol, and then you lean the hopefully-completed and hopefully-weight-bearing ladder against a tower, and someone runs up the ladder with the idol. Whichever team gets somebody up at the top with the idol first wins. So it's basically a paddling/diving phase, followed by a running/assembly phase. Jeff explains that the reward this week has a water theme, kind of like those The Price Is Right showcases that are made up of "things you might use in a Mexican restaurant" or "things Rod Roddy found the last time he cleaned out the trunk of his car." In this case, the reward includes a portable shower, a boiling pot, two water cans, rain jackets, and loofahs and soap and shampoo for washing your filthy self. Of course, you also get the opportunity to loot the booty and, in Morgan's case, a piece of the buried treasure map that may lead you to your very own stash of moldy supplies.

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Survivor

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