And now we have to talk about Ozzy and Amanda. There's a montage of their love affair, and then Probst asks what's going on now. "Well, I mean, Jeff, you know how these Survivor girls are ... " Ozzy says, and there's a wave of increasing laughter and gasps as the cast and the audience realize that Ozzy is totally alluding to Probst and the Survivor girl he was dating. I say "was" because as of fairly recently, they are no longer together. Ouch! Burn on you, Probst! Ozzy keeps right on going, saying that it's been tough since he got back, as he was demoted to cleaning toilets because he was too popular to be a waiter. And burn on you, Denise! We don't cut to Eliza's response, which probably looked awesome, but you can hear her "no he didn't!" laugh. Probst doesn't like this tomfoolery, so he asks Amanda for a straight answer, certain that she's too dumb to give a witty response. He's right! Amanda giggles that they are still together. I was kind of expecting a proposal at this point, but none is forthcoming, which is just fine by me.
Probst says there is yet another love story that no one knows about. He throws it to Mary, who says that she met Ryan O. from Pearl Islands through Jon, and he asked her to marry him three days after their first date. And there's Ryan in the audience, looking more like Henry Fonda than ever before. The couple exchange "I love you's!" and Probst congratulates them. I give them two more months. Hope Ryan didn't spend too much on the ring. You see, Jon has a hand in this relationship, and all things he touches turn to shit. So there you go.
Probst says it's time to announce the Sprint Player of the Season and IT HAD BETTER BE CIRIE. Eliza gasps and crosses her fingers sarcastically. And the top three are: Amanda, who pretends to look surprised as a piano starts randomly playing and the audience cheers; Ozzy, who is not at all surprised because he thinks he's the shit; and finally ... James. WHAT! James??? Really, America? Really? The audience goes wild as James' name is announced, so it's no surprise when Probst announces that he is the winner of the $100,000 prize. Apparently, he won this last year, too. He's shocked. Not bad for a guy who thinks he'd be the least likely to get invited to a family dinner. James, Sr. is thrilled. James thanks the American public for its terrible decision, making and Probst moves things along.
And now we have to talk to Jon. Probst hates Jon and his time on the show so he doesn't want to talk about that. Instead he wants to ask Jon about his fiancée and new baby. Jon points them out in he audience, being sure to mention that Michelle was on America's Next Top Model. You may remember her as the woman whose face almost fell off when she got some weird flesh-eating bacterial infection. I remember her as the contestant who thought she would be awesome at the acting challenge and then busted out a hilariously bad cockney accent that I still occasionally imitate to this day. Because my heart is not made of stone, I'll admit that their baby is cute. Jon asks Probst to hug his daughter, but Probst ignores him and says he's glad that Jon could "create something so beautiful." Eh, maybe he'll hug the baby after the show. I have to say, I love how Probst doesn't even bother to disguise his contempt for Jon. I wonder if he has that clip of Bonaduce destroying Jon's mouth playing on loop in his house.