Survivor
Gender Wars…And It's Getting Ugly

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Miss Alli: C- | Grade It Now!
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Now Jeff asks whether it's true or false that Vanuatu has the highest concentration of different languages per capita of any country in the world. This, as it happens, is true: over a hundred different local languages are spoken. And coincidentally, "Jeff" means "virility" in all of them. Julie, Twila, and Scout got it right. Julie hits Scout, and Jeff notices that Eliza is still sitting over on the benches, "simmering." "I am...not going to lie," she angrily bubbles through a tight smile. "Simmer, girl, simmer," encourages Chris, whom I like more and more. Twila finishes off Julie, who sits. Scout hits Ami. In the next question, the remaining contenders are asked about a tam-tam, and Leann and Scout are the two to know it's a drum. Leann takes out Scout, which seems to be the first thing in a while to make Eliza happy. Scout uses her departing hit on Ami, so Ami's gone as well. So now, it's just Leann and Twila. Jeff asks about the local currency, the "vatu," and wants to know what the word means. Leann's blind guess is correct, while Twila's blind guess is incorrect, putting Leann in the lead. So now, it's on the line, because if Leann gets the next one right, Twila will be done and Leann will win, whether Twila gets it right or not. They both proceed to correctly guess the national dish of Vanuatu (which is not, surprisingly enough, maggot-infested plantains), and Leann jumps up and down over the victory. Obviously, Leann gets to take someone to the picnic with her, and she decides to take Julie, who joins her excitedly. Jumping up and down ensues. Jeff sends Leann and Julie off with their picnic stuff, and he tells everyone else to head back to camp like the hapless losers they really, truly are.

As Leann and Julie haul their picnic box to the chopper, Julie thanks Leann for bringing her. As Leann and Julie climb into the helicopter and don their little headsets, Leann explains to us that she brought Julie because Julie was the one person she wasn't feeling sure about, strategy-wise. And nothing encourages bonding like getting drunk and covered in barbecue sauce. They take off. Julie interviews that it was very exciting, and that neither of them had ever done anything of the kind. I can't help looking at the caption under Julie's name that says, "Youth Mentor." Again, I have to wonder...is that a job? I never cease to be amazed what people will list instead of "model/bartender." And on the helicopter, the ladies are holding hands. This is certainly the most Sapphic season of Survivor ever. We see beautiful, sweeping shots of Vanuatu. Indeed, it is all very beautiful. They arrive at the volcano to heavy "waaaa-ahhh" moaning on the soundtrack. That's the Vanuatu Gay Tribesmen's Chorus, I do believe. At the edge of the volcano, the ladies unpack their picnic and start sucking on the chicken wings. Julie says that she and Leann have always gotten along, but have never talked strategy. And talk they do, as Leann says that Eliza's reaction to being hammered at the reward challenge concerned her. "And the guys were so feeding her fire, too," Julie adds. "And she's very gullible to that [sic]," Leann says, really regretful about the way not everyone is as smart as she is. She's not gullible to anything. Julie says that maybe Eliza should go next instead of Chris. Or, she says semi-casually, Scout could go. Julie asks Leann whether Scout was in Leann's final four. Leann says, "Originally." And then she pauses and says, "In my head." Mm-hmm. Only in her head! There was no plan! No plan! Especially one that didn't include Julie! Leann says that she's starting to think more in terms of who she would want to see in the final four. They agree they wouldn't want to be with Eliza and Scout, ewww. Julie envisions a final four in which "everyone would be deserving." Oh, barf. "Deserving." Julie says she'd be faithful to Leann, and Leann says she never promised anything to Scout, so it's fine with her if Scout finishes fifth. So we're assuming the two of them are now envisioning a final four with themselves and...Ami and Twila? That is a seriously terrifying final four prospect. And very plausible. They toast with their little glasses of champagne, as I feel the last few remnants of caring slip down the drain.

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