Gender Wars…And It's Getting Ugly

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: C- | Grade It Now!
Some Pig

Anyway, Chris interviews that they came up with this non-brilliant idea to try to make the women think Eliza is disgruntled and perhaps about to flip sides. But as the guys continue floating in the boat, the helicopter comes back, bringing Julie and Leann from their volcano picnic. As they approach, Julie flips on the speaker and says to Leann over the headsets, "I do love these people." "Me, too," Leann says. "Maybe I'm just drunk," Leann adds. "Me, too," Leann agrees. If I liked either of them, that might seem funny, but I don't. So there you go. We watch as Julie and Leann run back to camp asking where the guys are. Eliza assures them the guys aren't around. It turns out that Leann and Julie have brought back two chicken wings each for the four other women, and none for the guys. Because they're huge goddamn bitches. That is so unnecessary, for fuck's sake. Everyone is hungry, everyone has been out here for 22 days -- share the fucking chicken wings, you jackasses. I absolutely hated this, and found it one of the most spiteful, petty, small, just plain mean things anybody's ever done on this show. It just is not necessary to lash out at people through food in a situation where everybody's in the same not-very-good boat. That's just a dick move, even for a girl. Anyway, the women all run off to eat their chicken wings surreptitiously.

And when the guys return, the chicken bones are produced for everyone else to suck on, and the women all think it's deeply hilarious to pretend they're all excited about sucking on the bones when they just got to eat two chicken wings each. Sarge interviews that normally, being given other people's gnawed chicken wings would be really insulting, but these are not normal circumstances. See? Isn't that hilarious? The guys are so hungry and deprived that they're willing to suck on bones from which other people have already chewed all the good meat, and yet it's really funny to hog all the wings for yourself -- two to a customer -- rather than share. Hilarious! "The guys, when they came back, were really excited about getting the bones," Eliza interviews with a giggly energy, "and we had to pretend to be excited about the bones too, because they didn't know that we had just had chicken wings!" (Couch Baron, with perfect comic timing: "Thanks for bringing us up to speed, bitch.")

The next day, Eliza goes to retrieve the treemail, and finds that there is a pig tied up with the treemail. She tells us she's never dealt with animals very much, and you can kind of tell from the way she drags the screaming pig. She hollers for Chris to come and help her, and he picks up the pig as wacky ragtime pig-carrying music plays. The pig squeals nonstop until Chris puts it down, and then as Eliza takes in the fact that a couple of people with machetes are eyeing the pig, she tells them not to eat him, because she needs to read the treemail. As it happens, the treemail indeed tells them in elaborate rhyme not to eat the pig, but to feed him and clean him and keep him as a pet, basically. Sarge and Twila are both like, "Yeah...I still want to eat him." Which I thought was pretty funny. Sarge interviews that not being allowed to kill and eat the pig was a disappointment similar to when he found out that "Estrogen City was moving into Lopevi." Estrogen City? Oh, whatever. Shut up, old man. He doesn't, though -- he actually tells us some more how, if he can't relate to "Estrogen City," he'll relate to the pig. Not really something you want to brag about, dude.

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