Girl Power

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: B- | Grade It Now!
Everybody in a Lather

You know, I'm not normally a big fan of the whole philosophy that some women have "real" beauty and some women don't, and that therefore skinny chicks are appropriately used for target practice. However, when you go on television and basically say, "Other women don't like me because I'm so much prettier than they are," you do set me up to point out the following: I'm sorry, but you are not that gorgeous. The guys on our forums have a healthy strand of precisely the dog to whom you're trying to appeal (and I say that with love, because where men are involved, I have it as, obviously), and even they really aren't into you. It's time to get over yourself, Synthetic Polymers Barbie. You're going to be thirty-five yourself before you know it, and if all you have to show for it is brittle bones and a crappy attitude, it's going to be pretty much all over for you. Heidi rapturously goes on to say that the Axis of Skeevil likes taking their baths together because that way, they "don't have these older women telling [them] what [they] should and shouldn't be doing." Apparently, it's a utopia of self-realization, the topless Amazon sponge bath, and having women over thirty around just makes it hard to get in touch with your inner Girl Gone Wild. You know, this is nothing but pedestrian seventh-grade cliquety-clique nonsense, and I'm already weary of her passing it off as revolt against the unreasonable demands of all the bitter and jealous women who still have all their original factory-installed parts. Moreover, if they're trying so hard to get away from the judgmental older women and be truly free with their fabulous bodies, I don't really get why they're standing there all holding their boobs in their hands. If you're that "confident," as Heidi told us they all are, then just take your damn top off and wash. Furthermore, you'd get cleaner if you'd, you know, bathe instead of standing in knee-deep water dabbing at yourself, but I suppose that wouldn't provide as much camera time. Whatever. Shawna interviews about how great it was to be naked. She has TAR 3 Zach's hair, I just noticed. Heidi closes out this proud moment in the history of women by talking at length about how if there's a merge, she'll just walk around topless so that she won't get voted off. Boy, that's gotta be good for your dignity. The screamy soundtrack lady singing her siren song (and I do mean "siren") hollers a high note as the sequence ends. And not a moment too soon.

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