Survivor
Guatemala Reunion

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Miss Alli: B- | Grade It Now!
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A Million Dollars' Worth Of Lip Venom

When we left our non-hero Jeff "Ageless And Everdweeb" Probst, he had just informed our (kinda) heroine Danni (last name: "Boatwright" -- from the Greek meaning "Who knew?") that she was the big winner of the million-dollar prize, leaving Steph "Hair Apparent" LaGrossa to bite down hard on the bitterness of defeat again, some more. The girls are hugging, and for a minute, it looks like they might make out, which you know Probst would love. And there's the love of Danni's family, because they know they're all getting cars or something, and there's the love of Danni's hometown of Tonganoxie, Kansas, which doesn't understand that she's not going to open a library there or anything. Then, the unimportant non-jury Survivors are filing onto the stage trying to look like they belong, which I always hate. They all know that they're going to be asked one question, and they'd better get it right or everyone will remember them unfondly forever. As all the celebrating continues, Jeff says to the camera that Danni had no alliance and won anyway, and that the unwieldy cast of eighteen will all be back in a moment to tell you a lot of stuff you totally don't care about regarding their feelings. Boo, feelings!

When we come back, we relive Danni's victory at the puzzle challenge after she bought "help" at the auction from a bunch of people too stupid to realize that they should want immunity more than cookies. And then we come back to CBS Television City (Mayor: Jerry Bruckheimer), and Jeff says AGAIN that all eighteen people are here, as if we're all out in the audience all, "But what of Brianna?" Jeff reminds Danni that she spent $200 to get immunity and eight days later won a million dollars, making that a 500,000% return on her investment. Danni laughs with gigantic fish lips -- where did those come from? -- and affirms that, indeed, that was her best move in the game. Not to mention, of course, everyone else's worst. She adds that the challenges at that point were turning out to be puzzles, and that she's "terrible at puzzles." Hard to believe she's any worse than Steph, of course, not that she would need to verbalize that when she already has the money and Steph will presumably never do another puzzle with the exception of Sudoku, the doing of which is apparently the law now, much like military service in certain countries.

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Survivor

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