He Has Demons

Episode Report Card
Sara M: B | Grade It Now!
Li'l Li'l Failure

Edna interviews that she realizes that she's on the bottom of the totem pole in her tribe, possibly because she's wearing treemail as a hat right now and that's something only crazy people do. Or maybe she's hoping this will win Coach over, since he loves to wear random things in his hair, too. His preference is for feathers, though. Edna says Coach is probably her best bet at an alliance. Coach claims to agree, saying loyalty is more important to him than strength. "It's my job to protect [Edna]," he interviews. Ugh. Anyway, Coach and Edna make an agreement to stick together, and Coach says he hopes this is the time when an alliance he forms with someone he believes to be trustworthy actually works out for him. Hopefully, Edna will wise up enough to screw Coach over like everyone else does.

At Savaii, John is going on a coconut-chopping, third-person-referral tear. He interviews that this will upset his mother, who told him that she didn't want him to handle a machete "without supervision." Clearly, his mother is just as savvy about this show as John is. John thinks providing the tribe with one coconut will win them all over, but then he gives the coconut milk to Keith and says, while Keith is drinking it, that this is "like his child." Keith hands the coconut back to John at this point.

Ozzy, meanwhile, is also providing -- for himself, that is. For while he tells the tribe he's going off to fish, he's actually looking for the idol. He says he doesn't have a clue, but he thinks he'll be able to find it anyway by looking for "any sort of weird idol placement," a.k.a. the stupid worthless idol hiders making it ridiculously obvious that the idol is there. Like sticking it under a rock in the middle of a tree. Even Ozzy knows rocks don't appear in trees unless someone on the show's crew put them there, and he lifts it up to reveal the idol. What I do like about this is that Ozzy then looks at the camera and makes fun of the fact that he was able to find it so easily in the first place. He reminds us of how badly things went for him the last time he had one of these and promises it won't happen again. And it probably won't, since I'm sure the producers wouldn't make the mistake of casting someone as devious and brilliant as Parvati again.

Anyway, we've had our Li'l Li'l Russell-less fun so it's time to remember that the Great Li'l Russell's nephew is still in this game. Coach and Li'l Li'l Russell take a walk as Li'l Li'l Russell tells us that he just couldn't bear hiding his shameful family tree from Coach, who we all know values honesty and forthrightness unless it's as his expense. Of course, Li'l Li'l Russell ties this all in to the bible, because only people who read the bible ever want to tell the truth. The rest of us just lie and lie! He reveals his Li'l Hantz tattoo to Coach while the music plays a suspenseful note, and my god is that an ugly tattoo. It is the ugliest tattoo I have ever seen. And I played roller derby, so I've seen a lot of them. This tattoo is uglier than one I once saw of a unicorn wearing roller-skates sitting on a toilet throwing up rainbows. It takes Coach a while to catch on as to what "Li'l Hantz" means, so Li'l Li'l Russell has to spell out that he's related to Li'l Russell. The editors slap in a shot of a bird flying away at this point, like Li'l Russell is important enough that birds know to hate him. Coach's tiny mind is blown by this, but I'm not looking at him at all because he has a blur on his crotch and I don't want to think about that. Just do us all a favor and give these people swimsuits, show. Please. Coach interviews that his new ally is the nephew of his "number one nemesis." He says Li'l Russell claimed to be just as Christian as Li'l Li'l Russell claims to be before he blind-sided him out of the game, so that makes it a little bit harder to trust Li'l Li'l Russell's constant swears to god that he's telling the truth about anything.

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