Episode Report Card
Sara M: C+ | Grade It Now!
Crystal Clear

Kota seems to be gaining even more ground as Ken trips over his own feet for the one billionth time in his life. Matty loves him some chocolate ├ęclairs, so he starts yelling at his tribe to move faster. "Fang is fading very quickly!" Probst says. And with that, Ken and Sugar are the first to drop out. Pathetic, Ken. Just pathetic. And yet, I never hear Probst calling him out for being the weakest member of his tribe. He points out that Fang is actually faster without them, and then Matty basically orders Kelly to drop out as well. So now it's just Ace, Matty, and Crystal holding a 200 pound weight. Looks like a good time for Crystal to turn it on and show us why she won that gold medal!

Just as Probst points out that Fang is getting some distance from Kota again now that the wastes of oxygen Sugar, Ken, and Kelly have dropped out, Susie drops out from Kota. Bob is still in it, though, which should really make Ken think about his level of physical activity and how he really needs to step it up. And then ... "I'm tired!" Crystal says. You've got to be kidding me. Really, Crystal? You're tired? You're running! You should have all kinds of endurance, even with the weight! Matty starts shrieking in frustration, and Crystal drops out. Fucking pathetic. Are we sure she won a medal in the real Olympics? Maybe it was the Olimpics. I mean, there are middle-aged Canadian women with curling gold medals who could have done better than Crystal.

So now Matty and Ace have to carry 200 pounds between them. Matty is still determined, but Ace says he can't carry 100 pounds. He tries, but in the end they're too slow, and Kota easily catches them and wins the challenge, with Marcus making a totally unnecessary drama dive forward to touch Ace's back. Kota is thrilled, and Crystal is devastated. She should be. Bob outlasted her. What a disgrace. Probst gives Kota their reward, saying there's enough on the plate for them to give themselves a little sample now while they're in front of Fang, just to completely destroy them. "Can you share?" Kelly asks pathetically. "Uh ... no!" Randy says. Then he takes a big bite out of his fruit tart and makes sure to look at Fang as he savors it.

Probst turns to a crying Crystal and asks her what's worse: losing again, or watching other people eat delicious food? Crystal sobs that losing over and over is starting to get to her. "Wah wah wah!" Randy says. Okay, that was kind of hilarious to watch but also incredibly disgusting of Randy. Just awful. Totally unnecessary. Any magnanimity I had for him is gone. I'm sure he's not used to winning anything in life, so this is all new for him, but hasn't he at least read about good sportsmanship in a book or something? Also, after he said that, everyone on his tribe turned to look at him, but they cut to a shot of Crystal, suddenly tear-free, looking all pissed off before we could see their reaction. I would really like to know if they laughed or were horrified and embarrassed. And with that, Kota sends Sugar back to Exile. Why do they do that? It's just cruel now. I know Fang has no chance of winning, and I don't even like most of the people on that tribe, but I do hate Kota so I'm rooting for Fang. Fang is sent away, and Randy sarcastically salutes them. He tells us that the only thing he likes more than winning challenges is watching Fang lose. That's not being competitive -- that's being a miserable human being. As Kota takes its reward and heads home, Crystal tells us that Randy is basically a mean troll who lives under a bridge and she will not take being disrespected like that. If she makes it to the merge, she doesn't see much hope for the original Fangians to form alliances. Which is actually bad news for Randy, since I'm pretty sure the original Kota will immediately get together and align against Fang, which means he'll be voted out along with the rest of his first tribe. Wah wah wah, Randy; you shot yourself in the foot.

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