Survivor
Hog Tied

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Djb: B- | Grade It Now!
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You Mean "Chopping Block." CHOPPING BLOCK, YOU FOOL!

Props to Miss Alli and her consistently evocative recapping prose. I've never even seen this so-called "Brady" character I keep hearing so much about, and even I'm heartbroken that I can't gaze upon him anymore. Er, "anymore." See how good she is?

Previously on Survivor Vanna White Is On Fire Or Some Such Silly Thing: actually, I don't know what happened. I haven't seen this show since, like, a year with a "9" in it. But I watched it obsessively for the first two seasons, and it seems that, aside from the names of the characters and the quality of the boob jobs, little has changed. So pardon me if some of my Survivor lexicon comes across as a bit dated. Speaking of which, did anyone ever find out if it was really Kel who stole all that beef jerky? Y'all, the whole country's talking about it!

Scary, scary darkness envelope the inhabitants of Vananananatu. A full moon lingers overhead as a subtitle informs us that we're joining the good people of the Yasur Tribe in the middle of "Night 12." Rory and Ami haughtily tear branches apart to show the rest of their teammates what "work" looks like, as Scout sits idly by acting the role of Yasur's mascot, an actual bump on an actual log. Rory -- ensuring that his fire will provide warmth and spite in equal measure -- mutters ruefully to no one in particular: "Y'all need to leave me alone right now." Happy to oblige. I'm sure they'll just...oh. I guess he's not finished. "'Cause y'all are showing me something I'm not real impressed with." Well, then, if you'd rather we just go, it's no big... "Perhaps for the peace and tranquility of this tribe, it would be best for me to hold my tongue until tomorrow morning." Yes, Rory. Yes, by all means, hold your tongue.

Or, instead of the holding, embark on a lengthy congressional filibuster about his surefire strategy going forward: "The ladies made a mistake in telling me that I would have been ay-liminated [sic] before Bubba was. And so what I'm going to basically do is I'm gonna play it up." So either Rory's foolproof plan involves ingratiating himself to his new teammates by acting like an irredeemable prick, or this is just the introduction to the Opposite Sketch. Because...guh? Back at camp, Snore-y rants on, "You got me up on the auction block." They have him up on no such thing. In fact, unless a fast-talking man at a podium with a gavel intends to sell "Lot Rory" to the highest bidder to "the lady in the back with the red dress," what I believe they have him on is the chopping block. Scout concurs, telling him, "Don't say I got you up on the auction block." Sigh. It's not like I expect these malnourished, uprooted, cholera-drenched castaways to walk around the island constantly referring to their dog-eared copies of The Vananananatu Manual Of Style, but "auction block" and "chopping block" mean completely different things, even though they are merely one word apart. Like, "you're mangling the idiom" and "you are an idiot"? Different. But the same.

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Survivor

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