Hog Tied

Episode Report Card
Djb: B- | Grade It Now!
You Mean "Chopping Block." CHOPPING BLOCK, YOU FOOL!

Rory continues with his confessional, still succinctly trying to lay out his two-pronged approach toward inoculating himself against further threats from his tribe: 1) act like a total prat to his team, and 2) explain via a series of loopy, nonsensical confessionals why it's such a brilliant and strategic move for him to act like a total prat to his team. Let's listen in! "The thing I need to watch is, I can't push these ladies too thing is to come off as an upset, angry brother who is welcomed back into the fold." For someone with absolutely no power going into Yasur's next elimination (and from what I've seen of this team, for Yasur there's always about to be a next elimination), this is certainly a complex plan. But we'll forgive Rory his delusions. After all, life's been hard for Rory ever since they hoisted him up onto the Jenny From The Block.

"Rory would like to tell everybody off right now, but that would just seal his fate," Scout explains from the comfort of a nearby confessional, even though Rory seems to believe that he is telling everybody off right now and that it's what's keeping him off of the Chuck Knoblauch. "He's sittin' over there on his pity pot, so hopefully he'll wipe his ass and get off and get over it and, y'know, start a new day." Oh, Scout. She's either such a salty old broad or she isn't! Because, I mean, really, how would I know?

Volcano! We're off to Lopevi. I know it's the name of a volcano or whatever, but every time I see it in print it reads in my mind like some brown food my grandmother tries to force down my throat every Rosh Hashanah. "Try the Lopevi. It comes in a darling pickled jelly." She might have said. Because they have a tendency to win a lot in this episode and because this show has a tendency to laugh and point at the losers, I didn't really come away with as much of an impression of Lopevi. They seem to enjoy steak. And for their luxury items, not one of them seemed to have brought an auction block. Do they still allow luxury items? Is that something they still do? And when did this show stop airing on the Dumont Network? What time does it air in Pangaea? Where are my bifocals? I'm old!


We join Lopevi on the morning of Day 13, where we find Lea (I believe he is the one you call "Sarge"?) carrying a large log. On this team, they carry logs. On the other team, they impersonate them. See how I make vast generalizations with very little actual information? It's easy if you don't try. Over in a confessional, Lea is all, "It's a blessing to have women around. I'm not saying we need 'em. I'm not saying it would be any different one way or another, but it's good to have 'em." This is precisely the language Adam used to woo Eve. Check it out, y'all. It's in The Bible. As he says this, Lea's man boobs shake with glee because he has mood boobs and they never lie.

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