Survivor
Hog Tied

Episode Report Card
Djb: B- | Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
You Mean "Chopping Block." CHOPPING BLOCK, YOU FOOL!

Lea now sits by the campfire in the middle of shucking or whittling, as if we've just happened upon him while he's out in the wild, shucking or whittling. He tells the rest of his assembled team (meaning Julie, whose cleavage apparently contains her ears, his staring would indicate), "We got women around. Now my dreams are starting to get elaborate." Like, sometimes he dreams that he and Julie are riding a train really fast into a dark tunnel or that he and Julie are on a spacecraft that's taking off, and then he wakes up and his bamboo stalk mattress and his pile-of-leaves blanket are all wet and he runs to throw them into the washing machine before his mom finds out about it.

Chris (was there a Chris the first time I watched this episode? I honestly don't think there was) tells us how "interesting" it is that a pretty woman is playing the game (Ami is sitting at home right now, watching this and being all, "Hey! That's not...oh, he's right. Sigh"), noting, "Somebody like that can fly underneath the radar and sweet-talk their [sic] way into the final five, and then, y'know, boom! The next thing you know, they're sittin' there waitin' to win the money." Who knew the distracting scourge of ugliness would be such a deterrent to victory? Because, Chris? Pack your bags, dude.

Julie, however, wouldn't know a "boom" if it stared at her titties and dropped a roofie into her Malibu Sour. She's sitting on a perch, explaining what she feels she left behind in her other team: "Women are more passive-aggressive than men are. I don't know. And that's all you would get over at Yasur." Back at the camp, circumstantial banter abounds as to who they think got booted at last night's Tribal Council, and -- wait, who's that guy? How did Elliot from Just Shoot Me end up on Survivor? I mean, I know this show is often scripted and that show rarely ever seemed to be, so this is technically a jump upward career-wise, but you think people would be making a bigger deal about it.

Twila and Julie take a walk through the woods, Twila telling us in a twangy voice-over that seems to come replete with implicit banjo accompaniment, "Julie and I actually talk now. That's more than I can say we ever did over at the other tribe, 'cause I never actually talked to her over there." Twila is able to be really nice to Julie because she doesn't perceive her as a threat. Julie is able to be really nice to Twila because she thinks that Twila is one of Lopevi's men. Together, they are Hick & Thick, a reality spin-off if ever I've heard one. Twila tells Julie that the only protection they have against the alliance of the men is to continue winning challenges, and then expounds upon this notion in her ensuing confessional: "We're both vulnerable. We know it. Y'know, they could be blowin' smoke up her ass like they're blowin' smoke up my ass. Y'know, I don't know." Seriously? I've got a shiny nickel and an underarm trimmer for the first crusty old matriarch who manages not to couch her competition-based metaphors in the imagery of the human ass. I'm sorry that you have to poo in the ocean, but you're the one who signed the contract.

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Survivor

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