Hog Tied

Episode Report Card
Djb: B- | Grade It Now!
You Mean "Chopping Block." CHOPPING BLOCK, YOU FOOL!

Okay. Can we get this over with? "For immunity! Survivors ready? Go!" The usual impassioned screaming that kicks off all challenges kicks into gear, as Chris and Ami kick things off for their teams. They swim with equal aplomb, navigating the pieces over the wall and elsewhere. Chris gets over the wall first but Ami remains in hot pursuit, as the drama is high and the soundtrack is a furious fugue for string and trombone in the key of "Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee- bomp-bomp-bomp- tromboooooones!" Chris heads into the truss first, but again it's all in the margin of error. Chris hits the blanket first, his two-pack heaving from the strain.

Rory and Sarge hit the water. Sarge takes the lead now and makes for the hitching post, while Rory makes it to the wall, which is either in front of or behind his competitor. They make it to the truss at the same time, and they're dead even as Leann and Julie both hit the water. And then, you see, the soundtrack goes all strings heavy and "doodle-y DOODLE-y doodle-y DOODLE-y," which means something has gone terribly wrong. Leann has frozen in the water, unable to continue. Rory yells nonsensical directions from the beach which, if recapped, would probably only come out, "Leann! I need to find a fissure or I'm going to end up on the chockablock!" anyway. Leann goes down and comes right back up several times as Eliza stands on the platform, thankful that she won't be the one responsible for her team's physical wilting again. Somehow, I still find Eliza completely responsible. John hits the water and catches up to the hitching post, and it becomes clear when he does a cannonball into the water and its consequent compromising of his bathing suit that this show might warrant one more go-round during a future week so see him actually, y'know, talk or be on television. Always the silent hero, John hands the pieces off to Chad and Twila, who build the tiki idol in one second's time and sends Yasur back once more to the New Kids On The Block. Sorry. Last one. I promise that's it.

So it's Leann, right? I mean, look at that performance. Or possibly El-eye-za, for her striking lack of ability in the art of the pig toss. Or perhaps it will be Rory, for his general adventures in douchebaggery and also to fulfill a destiny that has been so long in the making. Who else could it be besides one of those three? No one! That's who. What is that you saaaaaaaaaaay?

Dejected but not broken -- nah, they're also broken -- the good people of Yasur make their way back to camp. Partners in loserdom Eliza and Leann hold hands in hopes that their combined Wondertwin powers might cause them to take the form of one cumulative competitor. Leann gives voice to these emotions, explaining in a confessional, "I hate more than anything letting my team down." She starts to cry, and Eliza is there to comfort her, reminding her, "I know how you feel." But she's also got a big smile on her face, because of the schadenfreude, which, tastier than steak. Leann tells Eliza that she just wants to stay in the game and stay in the island, and Eliza gives a quick furtive glance around and tells her, "I don't think there's any doubt in anyone's mind that you will be." Leann wipes away a tear and tells her, "You guys make me feel like the best loser ever!" Nah. That'd be...Byron! I thought I'd try that once now that I have the crowd on my side.

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