Survivor
Hog Tied

Episode Report Card
Djb: B- | Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
You Mean "Chopping Block." CHOPPING BLOCK, YOU FOOL!

Hang on just a sec while the show shoehorns in some quick random development from some other time completely in an effort to rationalize the ending. Ami says that she's going to go get some manioc, and Lisa quickly volunteers to go with her. Ami says that they might not need that many people for this particular chore, but Lisa pushes on in a line so important it's also rendered in subtitle: "I'd like to go, just to see where you're going and what you're doing, in case...you know." Ami takes great umbrage at this statement, but Lisa quickly recants. Ami thinks this calls Lisa's trust into question, noting, "Watching is the best way to figure it out, and I don't really love what I see when I watch her." Ami tells Lisa and Scout that she doesn't feel comfortable voting for Rory, and Scout responds that she'll be voting for Eliza. Ami has a problem with this, tending her too-long, too-lean body language in a download, giraffe-y motion, and telling Scout, "I'm not voting for Eliza. After Lisa's comment, I'd vote for Lisa before I'd vote for Eliza." When pressed for why, Ami tells her, "Your comment was just rude." And like you, me, and the Sunshine Band's KC, even Lisa has no idea what she's talking about. Lisa tells her that Ami should trust her and that she hasn't done anything, but Ami tells her that she feels anger building up toward her. Lisa promises that she's "here to the end," and Ami makes her swear on a bible. A, er, hand bible. In a confessional, Lisa angrily tells us, "I'm not gonna kiss Ami's butt to stay in this game." No. No, you sure won't. Scout tells Rory, meanwhile, that Lisa and Ami are in a "tiff," which causes Rory to celebrate in a confessional, "Amazingly enough, my name is not going to come up in Tribal Council today." It's NOT? Not at all? This is the most delusional deduction I've seen since every time I played Clue when I was younger and was always like, "Miss Scarlet!" and was somehow wrong every single time.

Tribal Council, where the native spirits are invoked except everyone most everyone is white and Anglo. Other than that, spiiiiiiiiirits! Jeff kicks it off with Yasur, informing Scout that they have not won a challenge since the teams redivided. Scout promises, "We don't feel whooped yet." Jeff asks Leann how responsible she feels, and she replies that she feels "a lot responsible." But it doesn't matter, because Jeff cuts to it with his next question for Scout: "Given the choice of voting out somebody based on loyalty or based on strength...which way would you lean?" Scout chooses loyalty because that's exactly what's wrong with this show. Jeff asks Eliza if people can trust her. Her eyes widen and some people in select Southern Hemisphere nations report a freak eclipse whereby "an enormous shadow suddenly passed across the moon," and she responds, "The people that I've told that they can trust me can trust me." Lisa also says that people can trust her, and Ami agrees with Scout that it comes down to loyalty in the end. Jeff asks Rory where this leaves him, and he tells Jeff that he's clearly "on the hot spot." Hot seat. You're on the HOT SEAT. Jesus. Our adherence to proper word usage has plummeted in this country since the government tacitly allowed the pronunciation of the word to change to "nucular." Take back the night, people. Rory adds, incredibly, "My ass is hanging out, Jeff." Can I please be excused from the table?

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Survivor

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