Rick is a 51-year-old cattle rancher who trained hard in preparation to be on this show and doesn't understand why his fellow contestants haven't done the same thing. That's a question we've been asking ourselves for over a decade now, I think. Stacey introduces herself as a 44-year-old mortician and mother, two jobs that make her really good at knowing what's going on around her. As a mother, she must always know what's going on with her kids. And as a mortician, she must be ever-vigilant for ghosts. Even when she appears not to be paying attention, she says, she'll have her eyes open, even though they're nearly closed as she says this. "You think I'm sleep, I'm not sleep," [sic] she says. I can't decide if I love this woman or hate her yet.
And then we meet an unexceptional-looking little man who gives us, in his first sentence, the only reason why he was cast on this show: "I am Russell Hantz's nephew." Oh, great. Just great. This fucking show found yet another way to shove Li'l Russell down our throats. So even though he's not actually on this season (as far as we know ... I don't trust that he won't jump out from behind a bush in Episode 3 or something), we're still going to hear about him 15 times an episode through his stupid weirdo nephew Brandon, who compares being Li'l Russell's nephew to being Hitler's nephew, except he "doesn't think Hitler's nephew was running around saying 'I'm Hitler's nephew.'" No, he didn't. Because as big of a personality and as important to every aspect of our lives as Survivor wants Li'l Russell to be, he's not Hitler and the comparison is really pretty disgusting and offensive when you think about it. So, fuck you, Li'l Li'l Russell.
We get to see the show's full opening credits for what will probably be the only time this season, and there's a weird spot where Li'l Li'l Russell's entire tribe is introduced except him, then "one survivor" flashes on the screen, and then we see Li'l Li'l Russell. I don't think they've ever put a cast member after the "one survivor" shot before, have they? Are they trying to tell us something? Because if Brandon wins this season, I'm pretty sure I'll quit doing these recaps.