Ozzy then decrees that this is the best tribe he's ever been on and doesn't need to do any work on, say, a shelter or gathering food or water. Instead, they will go swimming. This presents a problem for John, who is uncomfortable stripping down to just his underwear in front of the people he's going to regularly wear that much clothing or less for the next however many days he's in this game (I'm going with 6. Or 36). Instead of suffering in silence and going with it like the rest of us did in our middle school gym locker rooms, John walks around complaining to everyone else in his tribe, thus making his tribemates and the national television audience cognizant of the fact that he has a terrible body and probably a small penis, too. John says he's just ashamed of his really pale skin and the fact that he looks different than everyone else on his tribe, who are all a bunch of bikini models. Like Mark, the 48-year-old big hairy guy. Or Dawn, the 41-year-old mother of 15. Bikini babes, all! John finally does take his shirt off, and he really doesn't look that bad. I've seen skinny guys with much saggier pecs and bigger potbellies.
Over at Upolu, everyone is mean and angry, so instead of hanging out in the ocean, they decide to get to work. Coach calls them all together to say that they shouldn't see him as a threat or a strategic player, because that's not how he's played this game in the past or intends to play it in the future. Which I believe he's totally sincere about and which makes him a bad choice for a returning player. If he isn't going to try to change his strategy (see: Li'l Russell in any of the 327 times he's played), then what's the point of showing him to us again? Christine cuts Coach off to ask what everyone else does for a living. Albert says he's a baseball coach. And yet, he came on this show calling himself "Albert" and not "Baseball Coach." That's weird. Sophie says she just graduated college, while declining to state that she's on her way to medical school. When she says she majored in Russian, Coach pipes up with a few Russian words, which the editors helpfully transcribe for us on the screen using a Cyrillic alphabet I can't figure out how to import into Mac Word 08 so I'll just fake it instead: "3(chunkyAthing)paBCTBy(backwardsNwithahaton)Te." And now we all know what it means. Sophie responds in kind, but Coach isn't done. "KaK (chunkyAthing)e(pisymbolmaybe?)a?" he asks. "Xopo(notquiteaw)o," Sophie says, adding in English "is that it for you?" Wow, that's kind of snotty. Frankly, I find it impressive that Coach actually knows any Russian at all. I lived in an apartment building where most of my fellow tenants spoke Russian and nothing else for three years and I didn't pick anything up. Coach says he knows a little bit more than that, such as "Bbl O(upsidedownh)eHb KpaC(backwardsN)Ba(backwardsR) (chunkyAthing)eBy(notquiteaW)Ka." "C(table)aC(backwardsN)6o," Sophie says. Rick, by the way, looks thoroughly disgusted by all of this foreign talk. Also, why is he like four feet taller than Sophie? Is she sitting down or is she just really, really short? I'm 5'1'; is this what I look like standing next to people? That sucks. Anyway, Sophie interviews angrily that Coach's Russian hello was the "formal" way to say it and he was obviously just trying to show off. Okay, well, I guess we all know not to try to make friends with Sophie by speaking a language she was interested enough in to major in it in college. She then says that the fact is, Coach has been on this show twice before so his knowledge is valuable to the tribe. Coach mobilizes his troops to getting supplies together for the shelter, causing Albert to ask him if the "girth" of the bamboo poles matters and Mikayla to laugh because he said "girth."