I Need Redemption

Episode Report Card
admin: B- | Grade It Now!
We Don't Need Spoken Words
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Survivor is back, and things have changed: I now live in New York City. That's about it. The show is exactly the same, of course. The same opening shots on helicopters (seriously, this is like the third or fourth season in a row that began in a helicopter - surely they can find a new mode of transportation soon?), the same location (yes, we're back in Samoa - I mean, "the South Pacific"), the same concept from last season, and two of contestants we've seen before, who we are introduced through shots of their beautiful flowing locks while Jeff Probst, who just won the same undeserved Emmy for reality show hosting he gets every year, re-introduces us to Ozzy and Coach, this season's returning players. While I hate this returning players thing and don't understand why we're giving these guys a third chance when there are plenty of other contestants I'd love to see get a second one, I must admit that I'm a: SO HAPPY that Li'l Russell isn't back again; and b: surprisingly pleased to see Coach again. I still can't figure out how he managed to go from being one of my least favorite contestants ever to one I actually enjoy watching. Coach gets a dramatic slow-motion montage of his most intense moments as he says that he's hoping to "control [his] sense of self-righteousness and judgment" this time around. But just when you think Coach has truly gained some real insight and self-awareness, he adds that he wants to prove someone can win this game "with honor and integrity."

Back in the helicopter, Coach turns to his seatmate Ozzy with a creepily flirtatious smile. At least, I think that's Ozzy. With his new long hair and smirk of superiority, this may well be Coach's mirror reflection. Oh, no, it's definitely Ozzy. He tells us how awesome he was at everything in Survivor except for the social game, and he's hoping his newfound maturity will help him actually win this time around.

With that, Probst allows us to meet some of the new contestants. There's John "don't call me Johnnie" Cochran, who claims to be "the most Survivor-savvy player ever to play the game." He'd better be pretty damn savvy from here on out after saying something like that. I am expecting great things from him. He says he's watched every single episode of the show and even wrote a "prize-winning essay" for his law school class about it. I wonder what prize that was? It can't possibly be as worthless as Probst's host Emmy, but pretty close, surely. Elyse tells us that she doesn't have much outdoor living experience, but she's part Native American so maybe her ancestors will help her out. Yeah, I wouldn't wish for that after we all saw what Phillip's Native American great-uncle did for him last season. Unless, you know, she wants to look as insane and stupid as possible on national television.

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