I Promise

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Sara M: A | Grade It Now!
The Wizard of Ozzy

The castaways are welcomed to the island by Francis and his family, who are dressed in traditional ceremonial gear. They walk on a really cool ancient stone walkway covered in moss through the jungle until they reach the village, where they see lots of people wearing traditional clothes and doing traditional things. I tend to doubt that this is what things are like every day on this island, as modern conveniences such as electricity and even the internet have now come to Yap. This village is probably more of a tourist destination than anything else, but now everyone in America can think this is how everyone on Yap lives and dresses. Thanks, Survivor! Loopy Erik feels like he's gone back in time. Way back, actually, as he says he half-expected a dinosaur to come out of the woods. Yes, dinosaurs, who were around at the same time as these naturally-occurring huts and villages. There is no dinosaur, but there is a roasted pig/boar thing. And lots of chicken, probably from the KFC downtown. The contestants fill their plates with delicious and their cups with beer. Another guy offers them betel nuts, which make people crazy. Well, not all people. Just people on this show. I think it was the Palau season I worked on where everyone ate betel nuts and acted like that girl in the bar who takes a sip of beer and then announces that she's plastered and staggers all over the place, irritating everyone. But that's how people on this show act after one bite of betel nut, which isn't even as strong as coffee and which children can eat without turning into spazzes.

Erik takes in the sights, which include a guy climbing a tree to retrieve betel nuts and so many topless women. "I'm sitting there ready to eat my food and the lunch lady doesn't have a shirt on," he reports. I'm sure she's thrilled to be called a "lunch lady." That's what you get for preparing a feast for American assholes who compare everything to high school. "Oh my gooood," Erik mutters to himself. I'm sorry, but even though they're all blurry, I can still tell you that these aren't exactly sexy boobs. Go watch some National Geographic and jerk off, child. "That's the most boobs I've probably seen in my whole life," Erik admits. The children of the village then engage in a tribal dance and song that involves whacking sticks together. Erik helpfully summarizes it as "some legend about their culture." "That was amazing," Erik says while wandering around aimlessly. Ozzy tells us that he loves going places with Erik because Erik is a naïve child who hasn't seen much of the world and so everything is new and awesome to him. We see Erik playing with a little kid, which was cute. Then he tries to learn the stick choreography from one of the dancers. He has trouble and requests betel nut. Yeah, that'll help. Erik reports that the betel nut relaxed him: "maybe too much." Sure enough, when night falls and everyone is sleeping in the super-special traditional hut for visiting dignitaries, Erik has to barf off the side. I'll bet the people of Yap were thrilled to discover that in the morning. Hooray for culture!

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