Survivor
I Promise

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The Wizard of Ozzy

A bolt of lightning takes us to Exile Island. Uh oh. Life sucks for Cirie. Huddled in a cave and bundled up in little clothing she has, Cirie says that it rained all night and put her fire out. "Not a good night," she says, plotting the doom of every contestant that put her here. And that's all of them, by the way. The next morning, the rain continues. Cirie is stuck in the cave with nothing to do but think about how Ozzy has the idol and is a huge competitor. "Maybe I'll just have to work on getting rid of Ozzy and his idol," she says. DO IT, CIRIE! You are our only hope for an interesting season!

Over at the Dabu beach, it's also raining. Ha! I'll bet they wish they were back on the Airai beach with its independent weather system now, don't they? While Natalie, Alexis, and Parvati sleep, James decides to start hacking away at a stick. Loudly. Really loudly, actually -- I have a feeling the editors cranked up the sound on him just a little bit. Even if they hadn't, it'd be enough to wake me up and chuck a rock at James. The fact none of the three girls have done that so far makes them all more tolerant of being woken up by loud noises than me. But it's not good enough for James, so he starts hitting the stick against a rock. The girls toss and turn. Seriously, I would have shoved that stick up his ass by now. Don't you be disturbing my beauty rest. I don't care if you're chopping firewood. Let the fire go out! Just don't wake me up. His wood work apparently done, James decides that now is the best time to sharpen his axe with the machete. Metal grinds against metal until, finally, Parvati speaks up. "There's three people that are trying to sleep. It's kind of obnoxious," she says. James goes out into the martyr rain to get some water, and he is pissed. He claims that the noise he was making was to keep the fire going all night to keep the mosquitos away from those ungrateful, lazy ladies. How dare Parvati complain! And while I certainly do see his side of things, I also think he was making all that noise on purpose because he decided to stay up all night tending the fire and grew to resent everyone else for sleeping.

The reward winners return to the beach. Alexis asks Jason if Yap was "the land of milk and honey." "Pretty much," he says. BULLSHIT! I didn't see milk OR honey there. Just a lot of chicken. And boobs. Blurry ones. In an impressive show of continuity, James is just coming back from collecting water in the martyr rain, just in time to hear Ozzy tell everyone all about how much food they had at Yap, going into great detail while the rest of the reward winners stay silent and look kind of ashamed and the reward losers shoot Ozzy death glares. Meanwhile, whatever happened to those chickens they won? I thought Ozzy was going to save them for their renewable egg resources, and yet...they've disappeared.

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Survivor

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