Survivor

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ote him out if she wins and he's not entirely sure he can count on Stephen. J.T. keeps pressing, telling an obviously nervous and uncomfortable Stephen that they're going to the Final Two and they have a deal and all that stuff. J.T. interviews that he knows he can trust Stephen in the real world, but with a million dollars on the line in a game that's all about lying ... maybe not. Then don't act all wounded if you lose and Stephen takes you out, J.T.

The Final Three walk to treemail. It tells them to follow a map to the stupid Fallen Comrades walk and then to the final immunity challenge. Stephen has to narrate that the people who were voted out before them are valuable people who matter or whatever. I love how Stephen has to say all this because J.T. is unintelligible and Erinn probably doesn't give a shit about anyone else in this game, nor should she. But I hate how Stephen uses Douche terms like "enemy combatants" and "the field of Survivor battle" to describe his former castmates.

And now, the dramatic music plays as they approach Carolina's torch. "So much trouble in such a little body," Stephen says. Erinn laughs. Very respectful. Carolina says it sucks to be voted out first but she's learned to be more patient and not try to control everything. Or be worse at challenges than the crazy older lady who really should have gone out before her, I'd like to add. Erinn has to speak for Candace. "I may have been her only friend in this game," she says. Way harsh! "But gosh darn it, I liked her a lot," she concludes. I liked Candace too, if only because she saw right through Douche and probably would have taken his ass out before the merge if Debbie didn't suck so bad. Candace basically blames her ouster on not being able to sit back and tolerate "the egocentric sexist crap that was coming out of Douche's mouth." You have nothing to be ashamed of, Candace. I'd rather go out early in this game than be responsible for Douche going out late.

Third up is Jerry. Erinn says "if you could pick you own dad, you'd pick Jerry," like, way to crap all over your own dad, Erinn. And after he came to visit you, too. Just about every shot of Jerry shows him looking sick and lying around, so clearly the editors weren't thrilled with his time on the show. Wouldn't it have been awesome if they had kept Taj and voted Erinn out last night? Then they'd be all like, "..." during most of this segment. Jerry complains about how sick he felt and how this game was harder than the Army reserves. And yet, Erinn the hairdresser and Taj the pampered millionaire pop star made it so much further than he did, so, whatever, Jerry. And then there's Sandy. J.T. says she was "a bit crazy" and Erinn reminds us of when Sandy gave her one of the most "humbling moments" in her life when she held onto Erinn's bikini with one hand during that rainy basketball challenge. Over various shots of her bug-eyed craziness, Sandy says she played as hard as she could and overcame the first impression her tribe had of her ... and was voted out the second chance they got, so, not really.

Fifth is Spencer. Neither J.T. nor Stephen mention that he's gay, so, way to keep that a secret, Spencer! Not that it helped you at all. Spencer says he's "honored" to be the youngest-ever contestant on this show, which is more of a casting error than it is an accomplishment, but thinks his youth may have been a disadvantage because he was too trusting. Sydney is next, and J.T. says the decision to vote her out was the first hard one they had to make. Sydney says she rode coattails too much and should have made some moves. Jon is seventh, and Stephen calls him "Captain America" and "the most decent guy out here." J.T. and Erinn don't have anything to say about Jed because they don't recognize the name on the torch. Jen says that he was "just getting started" in this game before his own body (and the Survivor medical team) failed him.

Anyway, I fell asleep through half of that random boring guy's voiceover, only to wake up to hear Stephen talking about dragons as they approach Brendan's torch. Stephen, you need to shut up about the dragons now, okay? Douche is gone and we're all very happy about that. Don't make him think he left any kind of a mark there. J.T. says Brendan was a good athlete. "Too true," Erinn puts in. Oh, I forgot how Brendan related every single thing he said and did to the fact that he's an entrepreneur. He says that just because you're successful in business does not necessarily mean you'll be good at Survivor. Especially when you set up an awesome secret alliance and then totally fail to follow through on it, thus creating one of the most boring seasons ever.

They approach Tyson's torch, and Stephen claims that Tyson was funny, kind, and sincere, and his boot was the turning point of the game. Tyson says that he was blind-sided when he got too confident, then goes into asshole mode and says being strong doesn't win this game -- being pathetic and weak does. He didn't seem to mind that when it came time to get rid of Brendan, though, did he? Next is Sierra, and Stephen is once again doing most of the talking for the people in Erinn's tribe as he says that Sierra was honest and sweet and "it was great getting to know her." And yet, you guys all hated her. I saw that reward challenge. Sierra says this game was a series of highs and lows for her, and she wore her heart on her sleeve and "stayed true" to herself, which I wouldn't want to admit since her true self is clearly someone that people don't like. Then again, it's just people like Debbie and Douche, so that's not necessarily a bad thing.

Speaking of Debbie, her torch is up next. Surprisingly, Erinn claims that she was closest to Debbie out there and voting her out was her hardest vote. Did we see any of that friendship on the show? I guess it was cut out to show more of Douche. Stephen says that Debbie was a surprisingly strong challenge competitor and strategic and kind. Compared to the rest of these people, I suppose Debbie is strategic. Debbie says that she thought her background as a middle school principal would prepare her well for this show, but it didn't. But she thinks being on the show prepared her for the rest of the world. There's a shot of her during that weight-bearing competition. That was pretty impressive, I must say. And then, Douche's torch. Erinn says his boot was her most satisfying. Go, Erinn! Then J.T. ruins it by saying that Douche is "one of the most honest people" he knows. Don't think you're all that honest, Douche -- most of J.T.'s friends are cows, and we all know that cows are dirty liars. Stephen says that Douche changed the game, just like he wanted. Yeah, he made it suck. Douche quotes Nietzsche and says something about Vikings, Indians, and the Samurai, of course. He's not on the show anymore so I don't think I'm contractually obligated to recap him. And really? Do they have to give him a slow-motion hair-blowing-in-the-wind Jesus shot? Really? Finally, we end with Taj's torch. Everyone loves Taj and feels bad about voting her out. Taj says she learned a lot on this show, but in the end she forgot they were playing for a million dollars (and probably how much money that is to someone who doesn't have it already) and it cost her the game. And this is why Survivor needs to stop casting millionaires. They just don't have the same motivation poor people do, and it's boring.

With that, the three toss a bunch of idols representing each contestant into a fire pit, which I always think is disrespectful, and Erinn says the final immunity challenge is up next and she knows she has to win it to be guaranteed a spot in the Final Two. Way to state the incredibly obvious, Erinn. J.T. interviews that he's going to win this challenge no matter what. Stephen interviews that whoever wins the challenge makes it to the Final Two and chooses who he goes up against, just in case you didn't catch that when Erinn said it a few seconds ago or when it happened in all the other seasons.

And now, the final immunity challenge. I don't know if yo

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Survivor

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