MONDO EXTRAS

4:21 PM. Because of the rip in the space-and-time continuum we seem to have fallen into, it's still hour freaking six and we haven't moved one freaking inch. If I don't get something to eat soon, I will drop dead. A man dressed like a cowboy walks past, followed by a guy in a loincloth. In the interest of full disclosure, I have to admit that I might have been hallucinating at this point.

4:35 PM. My entire life is hour six. "Babies have been born in less time than we've been in line," I tell Toni. "People have died while we've been in line," Toni says. "Dinosaurs have evolved from microcosms, roamed the earth, and become extinct while we've been in line," C mutters from within her backpack. The three of us get interviewed for the B reel of the Channel Two news. I say something charming about wanting to go on S3 to get a good tan, wasting all the charm I have left on a cameraman with a mullet. Toni loses it and tells the cameraman that she wants to get on S3 because she thinks it will force her husband to finally get a damn job if she goes missing for a month and a half. I overhear Bambi telling the cameraman that her luxury item would be "the OED, English version," to "play games with. Because it's important to keep your mind mentally mindful." I wonder if Bambi is aware that OED stands for Oxford English Dictionary, and that she doesn't have to specify the language of the version she's bringing. I also wonder if she's aware that the unabridged version weighs at least fifty pounds.