Next up is Charlie vs. Crystal. Crystal is a former Olympian, while Charlie used to be fat. Needless to say, Crystal is on the log for all of two seconds before sliding off. She is a disgrace!
And then it's Matty vs. Marcus, much to Probst's excitement. He loves those hot young men! Marcus almost falls in, but thanks to some extra picnic protein, he's able to get himself back on top of the log while Matty slides off. I'm sure the rest of Fang is humiliated in Matty's poor performance.
And then it's Randy vs. Susie in the clash of the freaking titans. Susie's off the log quickly, and Randy is thrilled to bits to have beaten his fellow teammate, a middle-aged woman.
Oh, okay -- THIS is the clash of the titans: Ken vs. Sugar. They both giggle, and then they're on their way into the water. Ken hits it first.
And for our final first-round match-up, we have Bob vs. Corinne. Before they start, Bob feels the need to share that he won some lumberjack log roll in college. Whoa, Bob, keep that to yourself until after you've won the thing. That's like winning the gold medal for running in the Olympics and then failing to make it up a hill unassisted. You don't want that kind of embarrassment. Corinne just says "of course," since Bob has pretty much done everything in his 500 years on this planet. Meanwhile, Bob has chosen to wear his little shorts for this competition, so all of his physics students who laughed at him for crying must be feeling very uncomfortable now. Because if there's one thing I never, ever, EVER want to see, it's one of my teachers in his underwear. Tight, wet underwear, too. The match begins, and Bob teases Corinne before sliding her into the water, choosing to dismount the log with a back flip. For all that showing off, he'd better win this thing.
For the first semi-final round, we have Charlie vs. Ace. I am cheering for Charlie all the way. Ace appears to be off-balance for the whole match, but is able to run fast enough to keep from falling off. He and Charlie hit the water at about the same time, but Probst calls Ace the winner. Crap.
Second round: Marcus vs. Randy. Marcus is perfect, so Randy doesn't have a chance.
Third round: Sugar vs. Bob. Bob is a log-rolling champion, so Sugar doesn't have a chance ... OR DOES SHE? Bob slips, but manages to stay on the log and even stand back up before both he and Sugar fall off the other side of the log. Bob hits the water just before Sugar does, which makes her the winner. "The log rolling champion hits the water first -- will be ridiculed back home!" Probst says. Ha! He will, too. For many reasons. I can't imagine what his physics classes were like the day after this episode aired.