Survivor

Episode Report Card
Sara M: C | Grade It Now!
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This Is Stupid

At Camp Onomatopoeia, two people must be chosen to watch the Redemption Duel. Phillip volunteers himself, so Rob steps up and asks if he can go, too. Of course, everyone says yes because everyone loves Rob and defers to his wishes at all times. Phillip reminds us that he no longer trusts Rob after he tried to hide that idol clue from him, and then goes all Coach on us by quoting Asian warriors and their books on military strategy. He boils Miyamoto Musashi's teachings down to saying that Rob likes to control everyone and everything, but Phillip will not be controlled by Rob or anyone. But then Rob orders Phillip to wear his shirt to the Arena and Phillip quickly obeys. Rob explains that Phillip is "not allowed" to go anywhere without "a chaperone," so it is up to him to accompany Phillip to the Arena and make sure Phillip doesn't do or say anything stupid. "He's probably the most unaware person I've ever met in my entire life," Rob sighs. As long as he continues to underestimate Phillip, the Former Federal Agent? just might have a chance in this game after all.

Serious battle music plays us into the war of ages, in which Stephanie and Matt will face off in a fierce game of ... memory. This show is so lame, you guys. David and Ralph are observing for Zapato. Probst claims that this game of memory, which is designed to be played by children three and older and comes in a Dora the Explorer-themed edition, is one of the most challenging contests our contestants can face because it tests their mental faculties after so many days without much food or sleep. The first player to get five matches wins. Matt goes first, and unearths a skull and uh ... a skull. Probst can't believe it! Stephanie is like "oh shit." And Jesus is all "see, Sara? I totally am helping Matt after all. So suck it." But then Stephanie goes and flips over a crocodile and another crocodile, so I guess Jesus doesn't love Matt more than her after all. "Redemption Island got something going on out here!" Probst nerds. By the way, has anyone been reading his live tweets? I haven't, because the one hour a week I spend with him is more than enough, but I'm sure they're really obnoxious and talk about Li'l Russell and how much Zapato sucks over and over again no matter what is actually happening on screen.

The game progresses. Matt gets a second match when he's lucky enough to flip over a Fire tile right after Stephanie revealed where its match was. Matt then gets a third match with two eagles, one of which I think he took a lucky guess on. Jesus is back on his side, I see. More memory is played, which really isn't exciting enough to warrant a play-by-play, and soon Matt takes a four-to-three lead over Stephanie. There are few tiles left when Matt flips over a calendar, which he and Stephanie know the match to has already been shown. But Jesus is mad at Matt right now, so instead of flipping over the match, he flips over a headdress. That gives Stephanie an opening to tie it up, but she, too, is unable to locate the other calendar tile and flips over War Clubs instead. Oops! Matt knows where the match to that is, and gets his fifth match to win the game.

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Survivor

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