Survivor

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The Rise of Randy

Probst turns to Fang and counts down their top to bottom, and Randy looks thrilled to bits to be ranked so high. Crystal is not. "What. The. Hell," she tells us. "I'm out there busting my butt, and they're gonna rank me number four? After someone who can't even barely walk?" Yes, well, I seem to recall Randy making it up the hill in that first challenge unassisted, and you being tied for last place with Gillian, who is 60 and never, to the best of my knowledge, trained for the freaking Olympics. Your physical performance in this game has been nothing short of shameful thus far, and I had such high hopes for you. There are curling gold medalists who are housewives in Canada who could do better at this game than you, Crystal. You're lucky to be ranked so high. GC looks confused at his low position and tells us things are not looking too good for him if even Ken is ahead of him. Well, that's because Ken solved that math puzzle, proving that he does have a usefulness in challenges, while you fight with everyone when you aren't quitting. Learn something from this, GC.

Probst asks Marcus if he's surprised by the Fang tribe's results. Marcus admits to being surprised to see Randy up so high, saying he thought Crystal would be ranked even higher. Probst asks Randy what he thinks about Kota's results. "I really don't think anything," Randy says. "This doesn't show a thing about who's hooking up with who." And once again, I have to say I think he has a point. Could it be that I might like Randy this season? It's not a pleasant thought at all. Probst says he hopes someone got something from this, because it's time to pick new tribes. Yes, that's right. I just want to say that I totally called this in the first episode, that they'd switch the tribes in episode 3. And I thought I was joking, too. But clearly the producers didn't have much faith in the old people's abilities to pick good teams and decided to make the tribe switch as early as possible. The teams freak out, with members of the Onion Alliance looking very upset. Ha ha! Good. Dan, who's quite a touchy-feely guy, gives Matty a good-bye hug. Matty tells us that he had the whole game figured out, only for producer intervention to ruin it for everyone. Just like it does EVERY SEASON. Stop being surprised about this! Although I guess when you've never watched this show before and are only on it because the casting lady thought you were hot when she saw you in Whole Foods, you would be surprised by seemingly obvious developments in the game. "That was just such a buzzkill, I didn't even wanna hear that," Matty says. What I want to know is, will Probst hate the new Fang uniformly, or just the members of it that belong to the old Fang?

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Survivor

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