It's Been Real, It's Been Good

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: B- | Grade It Now!
Look Back In Meh

We open with a "Chinese warrior" emerging from foggy, darkened woods with weaponry at hand, and it's just so very embarrassing realizing that someone set up the lights, and the mist, and put that guy in that outfit, and was like, "Action!" I wonder if that's, like, somebody's cousin who's an out-of-work actor, and they called him up all, "Uh, Gene, can you come in and put this costume on, and then sort of run around with this shield? I know it's a step down from your role as Goofus in that off-off-Broadway Highlights adaptation, but we're having trouble finding anyone."

We roll into an introduction in which footage of similar pretend warriors is spliced together with shots of Jaime trying to roll a big ball through the mud. See, there are parallels. Because being an ancient warrior has a ton in common with being a reality-show contestant. In fact, being on a reality show is better. When was the last time a Chinese warrior got to attend a celebrity bowling event, hmmm? Jeff Probst solemnly voices over that on this "special episode" (read: Thanksgiving turkey-digesting footage dump) (sorry, that sounded...gross, in a way I did not intend), we will "take a closer look" at the journey the F7 have taken to get here. How, HOW, did these people manage to last more than halfway through the game? What is their secret? What do they have to teach future generations?

Let's re-meet our F7. Come on, you know you want to! Wee Todd tells us that he's small, but that he's fast and smart. Courtney says that her strength is weakness. That's deep, man. Peih-Gee says she knows that she can seem bossy and bitchy. Erik says that he has no enemies. Denise and her mullet want to play as long as possible. Amanda declares herself "a huge threat in this game." Which, interestingly, I could not agree with more at this point. And, of course, the show's most favoritest guy, James, is saved for last, like the Hallelujah Chorus at the end of the Christmas concert. He tells us that the rest of the people in the game would all be dead without him, which sort of completes his transformation into Rupert; hooray! He shall reign forever and e-e-ver! King Of Kings! And Lord Of Lords! King Of...well, King Of Dumb-Asses, actually, so never mind. The upcoming bonus footage is teased with bits of Todd bickering with Jean-Robert, everyone eating worms, and a promise from Jeff that there will be fourteen scenes of new material! Fourteen! So don't go wandering off to eat any pumpkin pie just yet! Jeff says that this has been "one of the most unpredictable Survivors ever," which would be a lot more true if the James Will Go Far edit had been a little less blunt for the last two months. Rhubarb rhubarb recap recap, James is "virtually invincible," rhubarb rhubarb.

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