Just Annihilate Them

Episode Report Card
Joe R: B+ | Grade It Now!
Too Many Dicks on the Dance Floor

(Okay, one more modeling photo of Jay before I move on. Just because underwear models wearing clothes is the most hilarious thing to me. Enjoy it, folks! Enjoy that cowl-neck.)

At the reward challenge site, the most dominant images are a pair of giant slopes that resemble sawed-off ski-jump ramps. They are steep as fuck. Everybody oohs and ahhs. The headband that Jay has to wear to keep his luxurious, surely bug-infested hair out of his chiseled face is even in awe of these slides. This really is the part of the season where everybody's wardrobe quirks start to feel like they're actually tormenting you. Or is it just me who's sick of seeing Alicia's un-supportive bikini top, Chelsea's ratty camo ballcap and Leif's nipple studs? Jeff explains the challenge: the contestants will split into two teams, who will slide one-by-one down the waterslide, then sprint out into the ocean, retrieve these huuuuge crates and bring them back to the beach. As each crate is brought back, another teammate can then slide on into the game. Once all crates are retrieved, the tribe then assembles them according to the pattern painted on them. So your standard physical + puzzle challenge. Winning team gets taken to a "7Up Oasis," and I wish you could see Jeff's face when he says "oasis," awash in ecstasy and lemon-lime-flavored bubbles. Jeff has spent some time at the 7Up Oasis and he's been more than satisfied. (The 7Up Oasis has now become a strip club in Santa Monica, in my mind, and you'll not be changing that any time soon, sorry.) Basically, they get to go to a cabana and eat food and drink endless bottles of cold 7Up. They all get to split one bottle as a sample of what they're playing for. Crisp, clean backwash from the mouths of the filthiest people on television (non-E! division).

The teams are divided off-camera, which is a bummer. It's done, as Jeff is so fond of saying, "schoolyard pick-em" style and those are always fun to watch and see who likes who best. Anyway, one team has Jay, Troyzan, Chelsea, Alicia, and Kat. The other team has Michael, Kim, Sabrina, Christina, and Leif. Important note: Jay splashes water onto his chest and arms before he begins, so as to reduce friction on his slide down. I watched it twice to make sure, and... yep! That's what he did. Okay! Let's reward-challenge it up!

So Jay and Troyzan give their team a bit of a lead, but that's squandered by the time Sabrina slides in for the other team and Kat struggles to un-clip one of the boxes. (Also, Tarzan is rooting pretty vocally for the Jay/Troyzan team, for whatever weird Tarzan reason.) The lead is built up again by the time the teams get all their boxes back -- in part because Christina decides to abandon the final box-hauling so she can scope out the puzzle pattern. You figure that's going to get Christina eviscerated back at camp, but maybe it turned out to be a good idea, because despite the TroyJay headstart, Team MiKimBrina comes all the way back and wins it. Leif celebrates kind of a lot, earning him a muttered "shut up" from Chelsea, which I can't entirely blame her for. He does tell Jeff it's his first reward of the season, so fine.

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