Survivor
Long Hard Days

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Ship Of Fools

"The food I miss, but not as much as [I miss] my parents," says Sean. "I'm no mama's boy, but I really like to see my family; they mean an enormous amount to me. When I think of their smiles and hugs I can't wait to see them." Someone tell Master of the Alphabet that he's only been gone a month. Even if his family were run over by trucks and camels at a highly unlikely rate of one per week, there would still be plenty of family to go back to and to marvel at his gigantic nipple ring. Speaking of which, there's a great advertising opportunity in that big shiny golden ring for Sega's upcoming Sonic Adventures 2.

Colleen rearranges Rattana's supply of Sealy palm-leaf mattresses while Kelly, comfortable in the knowledge that there's little to no chance that members of her local police force have jurisdiction in Pulau Tiga, gives us the scoop on Colleen's leg troubles: "Colleen's legs are pretty beat up. She has some pretty bad gashes, and she has some sores higher up on her legs that she doesn't know how she got." Quick shots of Colleen's really troubling legs are each accented by a single thump of a tribal drum. Ooooo...ominous! I hope there's not a big black cauldron behind her full of warm water, cut carrots, potatoes, and stocks of celery and green onions! There are scabby cuts, deep gashes, red bubbly spots, pus volcanoes, pimple spots, plus scrapes and bruises. It's like your local butcher's homage to Courtney Love. Inquiring minds want to know what Greg's legs look like. Colleen gives a state of the union address on her legs: "My legs are bothering me. I mean, I'd be lying if I said my legs aren't bothering me." Colleen does an inventory. "I have all these!" she proclaims as she showcases the cuts on her calf, and "then I have these new ones!" she says, pointing to blistery-looking circles of various sizes near her thighs. Interrupting a vigorous scratching session, Colleen confides, "I can't sleep because they itch so bad...then I scratch them off...it's a never-ending cycle and they're gonna be like this for the next three years." Note to Survivor II contestants: Skin cream would be good luxury item. I thought they had unlimited access to sunscreen. Couldn't that do in a pinch? At least she's aware of the cause and effect; I don't know if "Doctor" Sean would be. He lends his considered medical opinion by staring blankly into space...dreaming of technology that will push the boundaries of current nipple ring sizes. Colleen's legs are in bad shape. There's no getting around that. They are gross and they are sad, but that's not all: There are freakin' bugs living in the cuts and crawling all around her legs. Colleen wears it all like a badge of honour. Can we imagine for a moment what we'd be hearing if this happened to Ramona? Or B.B.? "I need that fresh drinking water to wash these bugs off my legs! You lazy kids! Look at my buggy legs! Okay, now I'm gonna raise a barn by myself."

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Survivor

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