Long Hard Days

Episode Report Card
Glark: D | Grade It Now!
Ship Of Fools

Then we get a few shots of the yacht. It's the only source in town for hot showers, satellite TV, catered meals, good night's sleep, and a shit and shave. But bring your back and your spankable ass and bring your Visa, because this boat has a sassy masseuse, and Jeff Probst doesn't take American Express.

Questions are asked, they are answered. We learn:

  • Insects are a simply fabulous source of protein, though jumping up and down trying to swallow enough mosquitoes to make it worthwhile probably burns more energy than eating the bugs provides.
  • Water from green bamboo is safe to drink and fun to say. Bamboo. Bam. Boo. BAMBOO!
  • Kelly is dumb.
  • Dehydration is minimized by not eating.
  • Susan is dumb but not quite as dumb as Kelly.
  • Poisonous mushrooms are sneaky bastards that will kill you in your sleep after twenty-four hours and then run away with your wife.
  • The longest venomous snake in the world (not counting Richard) is the King Cobra.
  • The female black widow has a red hourglass pattern on it.
  • Colleen and Rudy are equally dumb, but not as dumb as Susan, and certainly not as dumb as Kelly, who is very dumb.
  • You can kill intestinal parasites with kerosene and then dazzle the gents with magnificent blue angels at the afternoon social.
  • Richard is dumb, but not as dumb as Colleen and Rudy, and certainly not as dumb as Susan, who is dumb but still remains a little less dumb than Kelly, who is quite dumb.
  • Sean -- who wins on the kerosene question -- is dumb, but the alien who possessed his mind during the night is a little less dumb than Richard.

Jeff tells Sean he may be able to bring someone to the yacht for breakfast in the morning. Glark gets fed up with the laborious recapping process and hands off to Wing Chun.

After the break, the sun beats down on the Survivors, and Sean faces his most difficult challenge yet: making a decision all by himself. He recaps the events of the first segment for those of us who've just tuned in, or have recently suffered head injuries destroying our short-term memories. Cut to the beach, where Sean is standing next to Kelly; he tells the unseen interviewer, "Hopefully, I'll get to bring some company with me. If I'm allowed one person, I owe Kelly a dinner, so she's coming with me." In an interview, revisionist historian Kelly declares, "I really like Sean! I've probably talked a lot of trash about Sean because he's neurotic and talks a lot, but he's really a good guy...I might get to go spend a night on a yacht, which would be cool, 'cause if I could spend a night on a yacht and shower and eat some food, I'd be good to go for another seven days." Two questions. First, what is all this about owing Kelly a dinner? I've seen every episode, and I don't recall one where Sean cost Kelly jack, and yet they're talking about this like they've signed a contract or something. Second, Kelly, you are such a hypocrite! You just voted to boot Sean off the island not six days ago and now he's "really a good guy"? Just admit that his willingness to give you this gift is the reason you're suddenly on Sean's side and don't dress it up like you've always liked him.

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