Survivor
Long Hard Days

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Ship Of Fools

Thunder crashes. Rain falls on clothes hung out to dry. Sean tells us it's raining. I forget, is he a doctor of neurology or meteorology? Everyone stands under the Targetâ„¢ parachute, and it must be extraordinarily moist because each Survivor is bathed in this forgiving white aura of fog as the camera alights upon them. Surrounded as he is by his saintly halo, I almost forget that, last week, Rudy told the world that he would rather Gervase's children be aborted than born. Almost. In her slicker, Colleen hides her face from the camera that loves it so. Everyone bitches about the unrelenting rain, except Susan, who notes that sitting in the rain doing nothing is preferable to driving her eighteen wheels of justice through Chicago at four on a summer afternoon.

And then the rain stops. Zzzzzz.

Sean stares at the yacht and pretends to be staring a rainbow, which Richard pronounces "pretty." Jeff pulls up in some little paddleboat and almost does a face-plant on the beach. Everyone waves and greets Jeff effusively; Richard tells Jeff, "Check out the rainbow you came in under," and Jeff, suspecting that to be some kind of Homer Sexual come-on, hesitates a beat, but then turns and growls, "Wow!" Did these people all live in Hitler's bunker before they came to the island? IT'S WEATHER. Jeff beckons Sean to the paddleboat deal, and Sean follows, apologizing to the rest of Rattana for the fact that they all can't join him. Jeff and Sean stand on the bow for a moment as Susan's voice-over explains, "Sean finally leaves to go off to the yacht excursion, and then he hollers out, 'Hey! I can invite somebody for breakfast!'" Susan, I beg your pardon, but I think Sean actually said, "I can invite someone for breakfast." And a clip of the footage demonstrates that I'm right. Sean adds, "Who wants it?" "Take her!" Richard tells Sean, indicating Kelly, like, duh, you already promised. Sean calls out to Kelly, who's writing in a big fat hardcover journal, "Kelly, do you want that to be your meal?" I hate Sean, okay? I think he's an idiot. But here's where it TOTALLY becomes Kelly's too fucking bad; apparently, without even looking up, Kelly decides that it's time to bust out the Southern-belle "convince me" routine, and whines, "Sean, it's your decision; don't pawn it off on me," instead of saying something more to the effect of, "Yeah!" or "Fuck, yeah!" or "Thank you, yes," or "It's either that or I bust your fool head up, bitch!" Sean grins moronically. Susan yells, "Sean, get some balls, and MAKE A DECISION!" Richard shushes her, and she actually lets him. And out of the clear blue no-longer-raining sky, Sean announces, "Richie. Scrambled eggs. Tomorrow morning." Richard looks pleasantly surprised by this turn of events and shoots a glance toward Kelly, who's stuck her lower lip out so far with her pouting that it's almost in line with her potato nose. From the little paddleboat, Sean yells to Richard, "You need a boost!" In an interview, Kelly wears sunglasses so as not to cry out loud, and whines about Sean's last-minute Rock and Roll Jeopardy -- er, I mean that other game show, Change of Heart. As Rattana watches Sean sail away, Susan marvels, "The guy's dumb. He's so dumb. Is he not?" Richard pats her back and thinks, "That was the smartest thing Sean's ever done."

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