Me And My Snake

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: C+ | Grade It Now!
On Lying Down With Snakes

Osten now commences perhaps his worst sequence ever, which obviously is saying quite a lot. He takes a long stick and starts poking at Pete. Tijuana tells him he's being silly and to stop it, but he complains, "Why would you want this thing in [the shelter]?" He goes on: "I'm serious. I will take the machete and chop this thing's head right the fuck off. I'm not playing around." Yes, that's right. Osten is threatening the terrifically menacing Pelican Pete. As Andrew teases Osten that the pelican wants to sit on his lap, Osten gets up and actually goes for the machete. Just as he leaves, Pete hops up and gets on the shelter platform, to the delight and giggling of Tijuana and Andrew. Darrah, in her best interview ever, says, "Ah think it's hilaaarious that Osten's scared of every li'l thing." Hee. "He's scared of every li'l buuuug," she elaborates. Double hee. Back on the beach, things are not so funny as Osten is clearly serious about killing the pelican. At least according to the suddenly scary music, he's serious. He is, in fact, sharpening the machete over and over as Ryan-O tries to shoo Pete away. "I don't like animals," Osten says in an interview. "I've been bit by a couple animals, and the next animal that bites me will die." Yeah, well, I've been bit by a couple of nitwit reality-show contestants, and the next one that bites me is getting a knee in the gut. As Ryan-O continues shooing, Osten tells him again that he intends to chop Pete's head off with the machete. Ryan-O: "Just go sit down and stop fucking with your don't need to do that. You're not chopping anything's fucking head off unless we're gonna eat it, and we're not eating this one." Ryan-O says this in an enormously steady, simple, straightforward tone. Liking him so much.

Andrew interviews that Osten was "being an ass." He goes on: "That's the dumbest thing I've ever seen. In fact, I was embarrassed by that." For a variety of reasons, I never expected to hear myself saying, "Word, Andrew," but there it is. Back at the pelican confrontation, Ryan-O tells Osten to go sit down, because Ryan-O doesn't need him to act like a prick right this minute. Osten grins, not getting that nobody finds him amusing in the slightest. "I believe Osten was afraid of it," Ryan-O interviews. "He was pissing me off. I mean, if you're afraid of the jungle and you're afraid of the sea and you're afraid of know what? Don't even come out here." Wow, can I get an amen? Because that could really use one. Ryan-O bids Pete farewell, having gotten him away from Osten's threatening machete.

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