Notable Jury Speeches (Besides Rats-And-Snakes)

Episode Report Card
My Question Is This

It's one of the most common jury strategies, really, to use your question to show that whatever else can be said about you, at least you can still get up in the morning and look at yourself in the mirror. You can't buy a fancy car, you can't afford a flat-screen TV, and you didn't actually get into the Pirate Master premiere party to pick up your souvenir scabbard, but you can look in the mirror in the morning, and can they say that for themselves, those winners of one million dollars? Can they?

Lex (All-Stars)
"My question is: I will be obsessed with losing to you for the rest of my life."

Almost as notorious as Sue Hawk's "rats and snakes" rant is Lex's rather pitiful attempt to chastise the infamous Boston Rob at the final tribal council of the All-Star season. It was an evening full of lame, dumb speeches -- notables include Kathy's pitiful "I get it, I get it, I get it" speech (nicely skewered in the DVD commentary with Rob's dry response: "I don't think she gets it") -- but even in a barrel of rotten fish, Lex was the biggest spoiled cod of them all. What made his speech most painful was that Lex had obviously worked on this speech for a really, really long time, honing it in front of a mirror while he lovingly kissed his own tattoos, and it was still like dialogue from a third-grade play. Don't they serve the truth at Loser Lodge, Lex? Didn't anyone listen to your speech while you were rehearsing it and say to you, "I think you should take out the part about the 'greenbacks,' on the basis that Prohibition is over"?

The theme of Lex's speech, you probably remember, was that Rob had sold his friends out for a million dollars, apparently because in order to remain Lex's friend, you have to make it more likely that he can get a million dollars. It's sort of like being friends with someone who says, "You can't be my friend if you eat pancakes." And you think to yourself, "That's a stupid rule," and you eat some pancakes, and the other guy yells, "I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU VALUE PANCAKES OVER FRIENDSHIP!" (You see, in this scenario, beating your friends at Survivor is like eating pancakes. I knew you'd understand.)

In the end, Rob and Amber walked off with the money as a married couple, came within a hair of winning The Amazing Race to boot, and undoubtedly still laugh hysterically every time they hear the speech. We hope Lex, on the other hand, is doing the one worthwhile thing we ever learned about him, which is listening to really good music.

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