Corinne votes for Susie, saying "payback's a bitch." Yes, I know. And I can't wait for Randy's payback. I can't wait!!! But we can't skip to Probst reading the votes, because look what Sugar said with her vote for Randy: "you are a disgusting, old, hot-headed, chauvinistic, alcoholic bigot, and you need to grow up before you die alone ... LOSER!" That was glorious. Sugar is the greatest person ever to be on my television screen. Randy votes for Susie, saying it's not strategic, but personal. Much like Sugar's plan to take Randy out. He's going home no matter what, but now he'll look as stupid as possible. Why bother showing us any more votes after Sugar's? Nothing can top it! Oh, wait -- here comes Crystal. And she is not even going to whisper. "YOU HAVE MADE MY LIFE HELL FROM DAY ONE. FORGET YOU, GO HOME, GOODBYE!" We cut outside the booth, where everyone can hear her. Randy looks terrified. Sugar starts laughing. The jurors are similarly entertained. And this clears up a small mystery for me. A few months ago, I was sitting at home when I heard a female voice saying something about making her life hell and going home. I couldn't for the life of me figure out where it was coming from, but now I see that it was actually Crystal's vote all the way in Gabon. Crystal sits back down with an amazing sassy hair toss, and that was the best vote ever. Even better than when Erik gave up immunity and they broke convention by showing everyone's vote before Probst's reveal.
And now it's time. It's fucking time! I can't wait! I can't believe it! Sugar's plan is actually going to work! This never happens! And best of all, it's completely unnecessary to the game and serves no strategic purpose. This was motivated by Sugar's complete and total and well-deserved hatred for Randy and maybe a little bit by the fear that if he knew he was definitely going home tonight he'd kill them all and burn down the camp. Also, this plan never could have been possible if it wasn't for Randy's parallel plan that made no sense and his alliance's refusal to even consider the fact that Sugar had the idol herself. Randy could have stayed in the game tonight, but he basically engineered his own embarrassing downfall. And the editors knew that we would want to be in on it for as long as possible, so they made the unprecedented move of showing us what was going to happen as far in advance as possible, just to make it all the more satisfying to watch. And it will be.
Probst heads off to get the votes. Sugar has not stopped laughing since Crystal's vote. She is a giggler. Probst returns with the urn and announces it's idol playing time. Randy stands up and the intense violin score kicks into high gear. Sugar puts on an amazing act of shaking her head and looking upset. The rest of the Fang alliance are not so convincing, as they are laughing their asses off. I wonder how much they knew about what was going to happen beforehand. Marcus and Charlie mug for the camera. Corinne looks very satisfied with herself and confident that the game has changed, and even winks at her alliance mates on the jury. Randy grins like the cat that ate the canary. Probst looks at the idol: "this is ... not a hidden immunity idol," he says, with perfect timing. Sugar finally explodes with laughter. Crystal is so happy she's crying. Randy is clearly shocked. Bob doesn't do a very good job looking surprised that the idol he gave Randy wasn't real. Marcus and Charlie on the jury are still smiling. Perhaps they do not realize that this means that Randy is going to be joining them at Ponderosa. Probst tosses the idol in the fire after all of Bob's hard work. And now it's time for the votes. Who cares? We all know the result: Randy goes HOME!!! HOME!!! INTO THE JURY BOX WITH YOU, BITCH! Wow. One of the greatest plans in this show's history went off without a hitch, and it was completely unnecessary to the game. In fact, it only served to take Randy's jury vote away from Sugar and possibly Bob if he realizes he was in on it. But Sugar hated Randy so much, and he was so freaking horrible to her and everyone else, that it was worth it to her to not only vote him out, but to do it in the most humiliating way possible. And it was fantastic.