Nothing Tastes Better Than Five Hundred Dollars

Episode Report Card
Sara M: A+ | Grade It Now!
If You Give A Sugar A Cookie...

Probst turns to Bob and asks him if anyone's talked to him about the idol. Bob says yes, but he's stayed quiet on whether or not he has it. Sugar gives Bob a strange slap on the leg, possibly warning him to shut up so her amazing plan isn't foiled by a man who talks too much. Probst asks Randy if he's worried tonight, looking at all the animosity directed towards him. Randy says he is, but thirty days is "a pretty good run." With that, it's time to vote.

Corinne votes for Susie, saying "payback's a bitch." Yes, I know. And I can't wait for Randy's payback. I can't wait!!! But we can't skip to Probst reading the votes, because look what Sugar said with her vote for Randy: "you are a disgusting, old, hot-headed, chauvinistic, alcoholic bigot, and you need to grow up before you die alone ... LOSER!" That was glorious. Sugar is the greatest person ever to be on my television screen. Randy votes for Susie, saying it's not strategic, but personal. Much like Sugar's plan to take Randy out. He's going home no matter what, but now he'll look as stupid as possible. Why bother showing us any more votes after Sugar's? Nothing can top it! Oh, wait -- here comes Crystal. And she is not even going to whisper. "YOU HAVE MADE MY LIFE HELL FROM DAY ONE. FORGET YOU, GO HOME, GOODBYE!" We cut outside the booth, where everyone can hear her. Randy looks terrified. Sugar starts laughing. The jurors are similarly entertained. And this clears up a small mystery for me. A few months ago, I was sitting at home when I heard a female voice saying something about making her life hell and going home. I couldn't for the life of me figure out where it was coming from, but now I see that it was actually Crystal's vote all the way in Gabon. Crystal sits back down with an amazing sassy hair toss, and that was the best vote ever. Even better than when Erik gave up immunity and they broke convention by showing everyone's vote before Probst's reveal.

And now it's time. It's fucking time! I can't wait! I can't believe it! Sugar's plan is actually going to work! This never happens! And best of all, it's completely unnecessary to the game and serves no strategic purpose. This was motivated by Sugar's complete and total and well-deserved hatred for Randy and maybe a little bit by the fear that if he knew he was definitely going home tonight he'd kill them all and burn down the camp. Also, this plan never could have been possible if it wasn't for Randy's parallel plan that made no sense and his alliance's refusal to even consider the fact that Sugar had the idol herself. Randy could have stayed in the game tonight, but he basically engineered his own embarrassing downfall. And the editors knew that we would want to be in on it for as long as possible, so they made the unprecedented move of showing us what was going to happen as far in advance as possible, just to make it all the more satisfying to watch. And it will be.

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