Last week on Survivor: Greg "cut his play kitten loose" and moved onto bigger things. And I DO mean bigger. Peachy reveled in Jenna's bad news while Greg's sister revealed the deep dark secret of the Buis family, causing the other castaways to writhe in horror and then vote him out.
As we open at Rattana on Day Twenty Five, Rich tells us in a confessional that "outright lying is absolutely essential, especially when you have a host like Jeff who's as bold as to ask, 'Well, so Sue tell me. Is there an alliance?'" Rich appears to believe he has the monopoly on plotting and manipulation. Sue then tells us, "Do you think I'm gonna come out and say, 'Oh yeah we got four votes, voting up against all you guys; we're gonna knock you all down to the end.' Come on." Except "come on" sounds more like "cum aaaaaaaaaaannnnnnn." Sue appears to be suddenly paralyzed down one side of her face as she speaks solely from the left side of her mouth. And besides, she doesn't have to come right out and say it; her pitiful attempt at lying at last week's Tribal Council did a fine job of confirming the existence of a Tagi alliance. Colleen tells us Jeff asked if a deserving person would win that money and "the answer to that question is no." We never heard Jeff ask that question last week, but the real tribal councils apparently ran at least thirty minutes each, so it probably happened off-screen. Kelly tells us the whole alliance is getting "too stupid and too crazy," or maybe she's just describing Sue. She also says that if they stick with it "it's just like lining lambs to the slaughter," which is, I think, a mixed metaphor between lining ducks in a row and sending lambs to the slaughter. Jenna and Colleen lounge about in identical island-wear, hoping their Survivor experience might lead to a spot in the J. Crew swimwear catalogue, while Kelly eyes them because she's tired of being more the K-Mart type. She then tells us that if she's "gonna survive," it has to be on her own. If "on her own" means she's sucked the life forces out of the dying Tagi animal and is ready to attach herself to another unsuspecting host, then by all means, "on her own" it is.
While we get more routine shots of Rich flopping around in the ocean trying to get a fish or something like a fish, Idiot Seanvant tells Gervase and Talking Rudy Doll that Rich is in a good strategic position. He says Rich has worked hard: "Well, not that hard. He just happens to be good at spear fishing, actually. He doesn't do much else." Gervase adds that Rich doesn't "do a damn thing around here except fish," which sounds an awful lot like what Gervase does, except without the fishing part. Idiot Seanvant then says Rich is a good sport when they call him "all kinds of names and make fun of him." I already look forward to my Survivor viewing each week; if they'd just show the name-calling, it'd be ideal. Talking Rudy Doll's string catches on a log and he incongruously pipes in with, "I started to like him before I knew he was queer." As Rich surfaces and says the spear has lost a prong, Idiot Seanvant says Rich is the "epicenter of power," and I think we're supposed to believe that Rich's spear is like Samson's hair, and that this damage to the spear is symbolic of his status in the tribe, but the two have absolutely nothing to do with each other as Rich, with the broken spear, has a bigger catch than ever. Sue announces that there must be at least twenty five pounds of fish, and the camera zooms in on a mess of mixed-up moving fish parts flapping around, which I didn't really need to see. Idiot Seanvant says, "I love Rich. I really do. He's been a great asset to this camp," but I'm pretty sure he meant to say Rich has been a great ass to the camp. ["Especially if he's using the word 'great' in the sense of 'extremely large.'" -- Sars] Rich says to Sue, "You're gonna be so damn full of protein after this meal you won't know what to do with yourself," and then raises his hands in a He-Man sort of gesture and either says, "I am master," or "I am hot stuff," but it sounds like "hos stuff," like Long Duck Dong saying, "Whassa happenin' hosstuff?" in Sixteen Candles. Sue has flip-up sunglasses on, and they look like mouse ears. Sean tells us it's an "insecurity aspect" that causes Rich to keep bringing up the fish he catches in Tribal Council. We then cut to Rich in a confessional saying it's an "an outright blatant lie" when he says the others keep him around because of his role as fisherman. Instead, he's "staying around here 'cause [he's] bright." In an example of monumental egotism, he claims, "They're not voting me off because I'm not letting them," which sounds like some kind of psychosis to me.