Survivor
Old And New Bonds

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Oh, What a Tangled Web They Weave

Jenna, Colleen, and Kelly find the next clue written on a tile. Jenna and Colleen are all petite and pretty, while Kelly looms in the background in her big baggy t-shirt like their ugly dumb mute cousin visiting for the summer and waiting for a pity makeover. The challenge is "a battle of wit," which should be a riot. Sue thinks the game will be like Twister, and playing Twister probably does involve wit in Susan's world. Gervase says the only way he'll stay on the island is if he keeps winning immunity. Idiot Seanvant then insists that Gervase is a perfect example of why his alphabet strategy "adds a new dimension to the game." Idiot Seanvant has arbitrarily decided not to return to Gervase's name after being unable to vote for him last week because of immunity. He thinks his methods add to the challenges. I guess the game isn't exciting enough for Idiot Seanvant as it is. Colleen and Jenna lounge in the hammock (at this point in the season, it appears that any facade of doing actual work has crumbled) and announce that their new names are Zelda and Zoe. Idiot Seanvant looks puzzled, and then the extra-dim light bulb weakly flashes on over his head. In a confessional Sean says, "Uh. I'm doin' it [sic] alphabetical order. Jenna is next. It would make me happy if Gervase does not win, uh, immunity this time 'cause I had to skip him last time, you know. I skipped him in the order and, uh, maybe Jenna will win it and get out of the order." Sean is doing a very good, very unintentional imitation of Jerry Seinfeld in this clip. He proudly explains, "You know what's nice is if you win immunity, you get skipped and then you're out of the rotation." Idiot Seanvant then tells Gervase that if he thinks he'll be the swing vote, he won't vote for Jenna. So basically, Idiot Seanvant votes to not make a difference. You know it's a bad plan when even the person who benefits is irritated; Gervase tells us, "Sean, I like Sean. Sean's a great guy, you know. But about Sean's alphabetical order. It's like my granddaddy used to say. If you wanna be seen, stand up. If you wanna be heard, speak up. And if you wanna be appreciated, shut up." And if you wanna be Gervase, sit back and put your feet up.

We then cut to a bunch of red tiles and a silly special effects sequence in which the tiles flip to reveal a big grinning picture of Just Peachy holding a box of Wheaties. It's actually just the Survivor logo, but you just know Peachy lobbied for his picture, and maybe for his slogan as well. Peachy says this challenge is "Up here. In our head," because they all share one. He adds that the game is like chess and tic-tac-toe, but nothing at all like Twister. Each survivor starts on one red square and steps to another, choosing in a pre-selected order. Then they turn over the square they've just stepped off of to reveal a yellow tile. When survivors have no more red squares to step on, they're out. Rich manages to have the first turn. We see one boring full round, and then the time lapse begins. Colleen's the first to go and Peachy says, "That full meal has got you…" and then he struggles for the word and finally comes up with "sated." Kelly's out next, jumps to the last red square, and irritatedly says, "Just doin' my part." Sue is proud to have made it this far and caves next. Jenna and Idiot Seanvant have a little altercation because he "spoiled" her plan. Meanwhile, Rich is "whimpering into nowhere land." Peachy announces, "The wise old man is looking good," which I'm sure pleases Talking Rudy Doll, because everyone loves being described as old, particularly by a sun-lamped, hair-dried little twit. Idiot Seanvant is about to take out Jenna but Gervase urges him not to, telling him to go for Talking Rudy Doll instead. Jenna then starts coaching Talking Rudy Doll while she's still on the board, and this is all very confusing because it's difficult to tell who's actually trying to help others as opposed to helping themselves. Gervase yells, "It's those young girls, Rudy. Tryin' to get in your head. Stay strong, Rudy," as he tries to convince Rudy to do the opposite of what Jenna's telling him. Jenna tries to steal Gervase's turn but it does no good; she's the next to go, and is quickly followed by Rich. Jenna coaches Talking Rudy Doll, and is being pretty irritating about it if you ask me, because losers generally shouldn't give advice to winners. Although she does get some points because she seems to genuinely want Talking Rudy Doll to win. Gervase is out next. Peachy tells Sean to "Hang tight, buddy," but everyone knows Talking Rudy Doll's already clinched it. Peachy tells him to "take the honor of flipping the rest of these over for me," and is it customary for the victor to have to clean up the course? We watch Rudy painstakingly turn over the remaining tiles, and then Peachy hands over the immunity idol. Nothing would make me happier than if Rudy wears that silly necklace straight through to the thirty-ninth day.

Back at Rattana, Jenna says that if she feels like sitting in a hammock all day, she will, and Colleen says she won't stop her, as if she could. What's she going to do, impale her on a hipbone? In a confessional, Colleen sweetly says, "We had fun, you know. We had...Pagong was a good, was a good place to live. Now we move into the new neighborhood, with the nasty neighborhood," and then we cut to a priceless shot of Sue grunting, "I'm gonna go over in my house for a while. And bitch." Colleen and Jenna are finally onto Tagi, but they're not onto the fact that it's too late. Colleen fingers Rich and Sue as the leaders of the alliance, saying, "They're smart. They're very smart people, although Rich is just a numbskull," and somehow I don't think Colleen's currently using those free Ericsson minutes on long-distance calls to Rich. She then says, "People are wishy-washy; they're conniving, and they're stupid, and that's what's happening, and it's all out in the open for everybody to see." I'm not sure if Colleen is trying to say the others are stupid, or to admit that Pagong was stupid. She then says she has the choice to wait until her "ticket comes up," or to try and strategize to make a difference. Jenna has a very bad peeling sunburn as she tells us they're going to vote the same even though it might jeopardize the next vote, but that it will keep them safe for now. In post-show interviews, Jenna has said she lost twenty pounds on that island; nineteen of those must have been brain cells. A crab of deception skitters by.

Colleen pulls her bandana down over her hips and models the new "skirt" while doing a kooky little catwalk. Gervase says only models can wear skirts that short, which sounds like a diss to me. Sue looks on enviously and Sean says, "Not doin' that, Sue?" which is either really dumb, really sweet, or really mean. Colleen feels bad, because Kelly wants to join in the girl-on-girl fun but Rich is giving her shit about it. Sue bawls Kelly out for hanging out with "the chicks"; she's jealous that the Pagongers like Kelly better, and that her own hair is too short to Afro-puff. Richard tells us Kelly is acting "a little odd," and that he hopes her alliances haven't shifted. In a perfect tableau, Talking Rudy Doll turns to Idiot Seanvant and says, "All them girls are dressed the same." Idiot Seanvant says, "Yea, they're dressing like, uh, superheroes," and Talking Rudy Doll says, "Like who?" Idiot Seanvant repeats, "Superheroes?" with a question in his voice, like maybe that's a word he made up. Talking Rudy Doll says, "They were dancing around here a little while ago. It looked like the third grade." In a confessional he tells us, "I thought about a female alliance and watchin 'em the way they walk around hand in hand, uh, I even thought about lesbianism but, uh, maybe not, I don't know. And, uh, it could happen if they had any brains. But I don't think they got enough brains to do that." As Talking Rudy Doll spits this one out, we see a shot of the girls slathering sunscreen on each other, because wanting to protect one's skin is, of course, the first tip-off to aberrant gay and lesbian behavior. We then cut to Jenna in a cape, claiming she can move objects with her mind but only she can see them, and I'm sure she stole this from Mystery Men, and for the record, I rented that movie and did not pay seven dollars to see it in the theater. Kelly tells us she has two people in mind to vote for who are "kinda sucky to live with," as the camera zooms in on Richard and Sean. As the tribe readies to go to Tribal Council, Rudy puts on his necklace and positively beams. He adjusts it, looks down, and beams some more. I wish I could freeze this moment and use it as wallpaper on my computer. The three remaining Pagongers tell us that have Rich in their sights. Gervase says, "Get rid of Rich and we all starve together," which sounds like a pretty convincing reason NOT to vote for Rich if you ask me. Jenna says, "The fact that we're voting him off on his birthday, [is] not lost on me. We're giving him a birthday present!" As Colleen heads off to Tribal Council, she exclaims, "Let's do this, Brutus!" and I won't even try to make sense of that one.

Jenna is wearing raingear on the trek to Tribal Council, but it's not raining and no one else is wearing their gear. When the team arrives and the gong has been gonged, Peachy stands stiff-armed in a spotlight and looks like he's the awkward star of a second-grade play. He doesn't sit on the money trunk this week, and for some reason Colleen and Jenna are giggling and whispering throughout this part. Peachy announces that Greg will be joining them this week to be an informed member of the jury. Greg lurks in like the Ghost of Pulau Tiga Past and creepily lowers himself onto the ground without taking his eyes off the eight remaining castaways. Colleen looks pleased to see her master, slinks over, and rubs up against his legs. Peachy asks Richard about his nakedness and Rich plays it down, saying, "What better place than to just hang out nude? But it did make a couple people uncomfortable so I thought why bother?" Idiot Seanvant says his voting rationale is "manifold," and that he appreciates having an easy order to follow. He also admits that it's strategic because it places the Pagong names at the start of the list and the Tagi names toward the end. He se

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