Survivor

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It's been a while, but we've finally got a new episode of Survivor. Probst recaps the season so far for those of us with short (or in this case, long) term memory loss and then we go to Camp Jalapeño, where the tribe is returning from voting Spencer out. Everyone is sad he's gone except for J.T., who's glad because he hated Spencer for being gay. Just kidding! That's just what Spencer was afraid was going to happen. Instead, he concealed his homosexuality and his version of a straight man was so boring and useless that he went home anyway. That's what you get for taking a cue from Joe. J.T. is upset that his tribe has lost the chance for a merge numbers advantage, and the best they can hope for now is to go in with even teams. If they lose another immunity challenge, he says, "it's gonna be another tough one." Except that he just said that the last vote wasn't tough at all.

Morning dawns, and Sydney is worried about her chances of staying if her tribe loses another immunity challenge. Joe tells her she has nothing to worry about -- Taj will be the next to go because Sydney is hotter people trust Sydney more. Sydney tells us that she's still worried because she sees the men sticking together and voting out her or Taj next. She then claims that Joe is "really awesome in challenges," which I have yet to see. Looking very sure of himself, Joe tells Sydney that she's going to the merge. Joe interviews that he thinks J.T. and Stephen trust Sydney more than they do Taj, and clearly he's confusing sexual attraction with trust. Because let's be honest, the only reason why Joe has any interest in keeping Sydney around over Taj is because he thinks she's hot. Well, that and the fact that Taj yelled at him once. And also voted for him over Sandy. "She's gorgeous, so she's safe," Joe says of Sydney. Great gameplay, there, Mr. Boring.

We go to Tempura, where the wind is blowing and Douche is totally posing with his chest out and his hair flowing in the breeze. This is Survivor, Douche, not Cheesy 80s Album Covers. Which isn't a show, but totally should be. The tribe is cooking beans, and when Brendan announces that they're ready to eat, Douche picks up a pot of water and dumps it in the bean pot. Debbie is not pleased, and interviews that Douche likes his beans softer than everyone else, so he poured "dirty river water" into the pot so that they would be forced to cook the beans longer so that the new water would boil and become sterile. And just why can't Douche just let everyone eat their share and then cook his own portion for longer if it's that important to him? Because he's trying to teach them a valuable lesson about patience. Douche tells us that his tribe eats the beans too early because they can't wait a few more minutes for them to cook longer and, according to Douche, taste better. Is he aware that other people might just like firmer beans and it has nothing to do with patience? Like, I happen to like my pasta overcooked and mushy, but I'm also aware that others want it al dente. So when I cook pasta for people, I don't assume they're all exactly like me and the only way to eat pasta is my way. I ask how they like their pasta, and then cook it according to their wishes. But I have a feeling that Douche doesn't host very many dinner parties, so perhaps this is an etiquette trick he hasn't learned.

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Survivor

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