Now, Jeff wants to talk to Ian, whom he mercifully does not address as "Dummy." Jeff also makes this dumb-ass comment about how Tom and Katie were the two people Ian had "betrayed so severely." This is such bullshit, Jeff -- Katie betrayed them at least as badly, like, eight times! And Ian never even voted for Tom! And he certainly never betrayed freaking Katie! This is why I hate the reunion -- it's revisionist history, and with a few notable exceptions, Jeff never really nails them on it, and sometimes he even encourages it, as he's doing here. Ian explains to Jeff that there wasn't much to do but think, so he was sitting up there thinking about how he wants to be a good person and a role model, blah blah blah. And he says "values," and it's gross, and "sacrifice what I was going to take back to my family," and so forth. Jeff asks if he has any regrets. "Absolutely not," Ian says. Everyone claps, making Ian the first quitter ever not to be eviscerated. It's a complicated world Jeff has made for us.
As we go to commercials, Jeff talks about how, among winners, "the average age is thirty-four," and makes this comment to Ian about how he "grew up a little bit out there." Jeff certainly has decided to swallow the "honor and integrity" story hook, line, and sinker. What's great is that the statistic Jeff just mentioned proves the opposite of his point, because if anything, it proves that people who win are old enough to withstand the kind of stupid mental bullshit that Ian fell victim to and that caused him to throw the game. Ian didn't grow up out there -- he proved he's still a kid. Which is lovely and endearing, but allowing yourself to be berated for playing a game the way it's designed to be played is not a sign of maturity. Ian makes a grinning crack about playing with somebody who was "almost three times [his] age," and Tom reaches over to whack him, and Tom's million sure has greased the wheels of that friendship, hasn't it?
When we get back, Jeff talks about the "big characters" of the season, and makes reference to "big revelations," like Ian's "regarding integrity" (yuck, P.U., barf, spee-yack).
I try hard to be moved by the Coby bit in which we learn again that he used to get beat up, and now he's a real live boy or whatever. Coby is so tough! Jeff asks Coby whether he came on the show to "get rid of some demons." Coby talks about how in high school, he wasn't popular, and Survivor is "like high school," so now he could be popular. Er, okay. Didn't really work out that way, considering that he was essentially exiled for inability to play nicely with others, but he says something again about how he likes to be "part of a team." Jeff asks whether he got rid of any skeletons, and Coby assures us that he did. Coby has become a better person, y'all. Can you stand it? Ian turns around and pats his leg, because Ian has become a better person, too. My teeth hurt.