Survivor
Pearl Islands Reunion

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More On Morons

Having concluded the festivities and given the money to Sandra, and then having taken a break to fortify ourselves with a refreshing beer (at least that's what I did), we fade up on the reunion show proper as the Crazy Pirate Tootlers, fresh from their triumphant Yo-Ho-Hoedown Tour, make merry marauding music up on the bandstand. Wow, an electric keyboard, just like the one Blackbeard would have used. Jeff welcomes us to the show, surrounded by pirate accoutrements that were accumulated during a thousand visits to Pirates-R-Us, including a random barrel and, of course, torches and fire. Jeff is wearing what turned out to be a rather controversial brown shirt with a yellow pattern on it. I'll grant that it's got a "hey, baby, want to listen to me play the bongos? I make a mean organic guacamole" vibe that's a little cheesy for my taste. Still, it's better than much of the reality-host wardrobe I've endured over the years, some of which has caused permanent injury to my eyeballs and led me to question my faith in a just universe. Jeff points out that "all sixteen Survivors" are at the reunion. Wow. With their busy schedules, they found time to come back for one more opportunity to be on television? That is quite a scheduling coup. I was sure it would be like the Brady Bunch TV movies of the mid-1980s, where one of the actors was always off getting married or singing country music or trying to recover a scrap of dignity, and it was hard to get the entire cast together. But all sixteen survivors? This is sure to be riveting.

Our first order of business is to get to Sandra, in her Pepto-pink outfit, and for Jeff to remark on how "lippy" she was. Wow. "Lippy": The Subtly Sexist Putdown For Reality Hosts Who Think "Feisty" Isn't Dated Enough. Sandra looks sheepish at this remark from Jeff, as if being noisy is something to feel bad about, which it is not. At least, that's my unbiased opinion. Jeff asks Sandra whether her lippiness is her natural personality. "Tell it how it is, that's always been my motto," she remarks. Oh, mine, too! Well, it's my second motto, behind "If God Had Meant Margaritas To Be Made From A Soulless Mix, He Would Have Made A Little Green Fruit That Dispenses It." Jeff asks whether, as it appeared, it was Sandra's strategy to "go with the flow." She says that, indeed, it seemed like with everyone else strategizing and dancing all around each other, it wasn't worth her while to make up her own strategy; it just seemed more logical to be a vote when people needed one, as long as she wasn't the one on the block. "Everyone always had bigger fish to fry," Sandra says, quite correctly. Never forget to fry the little fish, I always say. She says her approach was always simply to secure herself another three days.

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Survivor

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