Survivor
Pearl Islands Reunion

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Speaking of which, as we go to commercial, Jeff teases the upcoming segment, which will be the endless, bottomless, rather senseless Rupert-worship. Sigh. Rupert applauds with his Animal Muppet Grin, because people adoring him? Is awesome! And it's coming right up! Bleh.

When we return from commercials, Jeff takes us to a "Rupert Rally" in Indianapolis, where the news has apparently not yet arrived that the game is over and Rupert finished eighth. The audience screams his name, in compliance with the "Chant Rupert's Name Now" signs that are undoubtedly being waved over their heads by various production weasels. "Damn, Rupert, you have some fans!" Jeff says admiringly. Jeff gives the rundown on Rupert -- the shoe-stealing, the skirt-wearing, the fish-catching, and the way that he was a total hypocritical baby every time he didn't get his way. Oh, wait. Jeff actually forgot that last part. He only remembers to say that Rupert was "one of the most electrifying Survivors ever." Barf. In a clip, we see Rupert call himself "a thrilled pirate," and say that he's "happy happy happy." This was before the hating of everyone who wasn't willing to let him walk off with the money, I suppose. We are taken back through the shoe-stealing, undoubtedly Rupert's greatest moment ever. We revisit his theory of how being the caretaker would keep him from being voted off, which worked out to get him a great finish, of course, provided that "great" means "almost exactly average." We revisit how he secretly always feels like the loser fat kid, because that totally explains everything. Wow, more Rupert highlights! Rupert holds the rope for a long time! Rupert declares his own determination! Rupert screams! Back at the reunion, he is giggling uncontrollably at seeing himself on television, much the way four-year-old spelling prodigies do when they are on Jay Leno and can't stop looking at the off-screen monitors. Unable to quit while he's even slightly ahead, he screams. "YAAAAAH!" And then, because the audience is cheering on command, he does it again. "YAAAAAH!" Ugh. I've seen parking garages that require less validation.

Jeff asks Rupert where his infectious enthusiasm and zest for life come from. He doesn't ask where his need to strangle, berate, and patronize people comes from, because that wouldn't be within the storyline at all. Rupert chooses not to tell the truth and say something like, "It comes from my overwhelming need for attention and the difficulty I have sharing the stage with others." Instead, he says that it's just naturally the way he is. He's always been grateful for everything he has, and he just can't be any less awesome than his soul leads him to be. Jeff asks Rupert whether he had any idea he would be so popular. He claims that he had no idea. He was afraid people would see some "crazy-ass guy running around out there, thinking he was playing." Which is basically what many of us did think, of course. Jeff asks him how he got to be such a great fisherman and how he became so comfortable in the water, and Rupert explains that he's been bringing home little snakes and fish and stuff since he was a little guy, and that part, I do believe and do find kind of endearing. Even a stopped clock is appealing twice a day. Rupert says that he never expected such a great experience, even though he knew he wanted to play the game ever since he saw Hatch on TV. "I knew I could beat him!" he says enthusiastically. Everyone laughs, because it's Rupert, and if you don't laugh at Rupert and love Rupert and admire Rupert, you will be hustled into a van and taken to isolation for reprogramming. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?

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