Pearl Islands Reunion

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Miss Alli: C- | Grade It Now!
More On Morons

Oh, and now, the inevitable time has come to address the non-death of Granny Fairplay. After the necessary clip-showing ("she died, dude"), we return to see Jeff out in the audience, hunched down next to the famous Granny Fairplay, who is not nearly as old as you'd think. Jeff asks her if she was in on his crazy scheme, and she says evenly that she wasn't. Now, Jon made a lot of noise about how great his grandmother would think this scheme was, and although she says she doesn't blame him for it, you can pretty much tell she's a long way from loving it. Jeff asks her when it was that she found out about Jon's scheme, and she says that it was when they called her. Jeff elaborates that when the producers got this news about Granny Fairplay, they called home to see if there was anything they could do to help the Fairplay Family in its time of suffering. "You answered the damn phone," Jeff says. Hee. Jeff moves along and takes a moment to address Big Dumb Dan, who's sitting next to Granny Fairplay. Big Dumb Dan admits to his role in the scam, and does the Fairplay Fingers, too. Idiot. Although I'm inclined to cut Dan some slack,, what kind of a life would it be, being Jon's sidekick? Can you imagine anything that would make you feel less relevant to the universe? Jeff asks Granny if she has any kind of problem with the fact that Jon said she was dead, and although she spouts the old "outwit, outsmart, it's a game" line, she really does not look to me like she believes it. She looks embarrassed and grossed out, although that could certainly be over Jon in general as opposed to the big lie in particular. Jeff asks Jon if he has any remorse, which is a damn stupid question that Jeff loves to ask, even though he usually gets the same answer. Of course, Jon says that he has no remorse whatsoever. "Maybe All-Stars, my grandpa will die!" he says. Whatever, punk. Jeff looks at him with hate, as usual. I'm not attaching any spoiler significance to that remark, because I really can't stand to.

Next, Jeff asks Christa about non-dead Granny Fairplay, and whether she thinks it's possible to go too far with lying. She says that she only wishes she had thought of it -- hey, no hard feelings! Well, of course. That's the way things go. When you lose, you rewrite the script so that you didn't get screwed, even though you did. You don't mind at all! You're not the least bit bitter! It's just what you would have done! Jeff asks Lill how she feels about it, and she does the same song and dance, despite pointing out that her mother just died. I'm telling you, they're all completely full of it. They're saying it's fine, because if they admit that they think he sucks, then they're admitting that they were beaten as opposed to all participating in some kind of mutual square dance in which it only looked like some people got the better of other people. I don't believe for a minute that this is actually all right with any of these people. It's what they always do: they fake being happy and fine, and then they bitch for the next ten years in their passive-aggressive manner over whatever they think they did to lose the million. That, by the way, is what I'm looking forward to the most about the All-Star edition -- a whole bunch of people who have done nothing for years but relive the moment in which they blew a million dollars, all returning determined not to make the same mistake again. Now that? Is some dramatic tension.

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