Pick A Castaway…Any Castaway

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Miss Alli: B- | Grade It Now!
Burton's Plan Is All Wet

So what is actually in this trunk? Well, some goblets, candleholders, and candles, all of which can probably be saved and used for a highly anticlimactic picnic at some point. There's canned food, but frankly, all the cans appear to be smashed (indicating that getting wet is not the only thing that went wrong), so I'm not sure I'd want that, either. They land some coffee beans they seem to think they can salvage, although if it were me, a cup of semi-coffee would only make me miss actual coffee, so that might just bring misery. Burton interviews that he thinks the tribe was being ridiculous and needed to "grow up" because they were so disappointed by the haul. I don't know...after all that buildup, to have everything suck that much? Psychologically, I do see how that would be a blow. Jon (unsurprisingly) pitches in on the complaining, pointing out that they got blankets that were totally gross, a hammock that smelled, and a mosquito net that wasn't any better. "I'd call it a ghetto Christmas," he says. "It's like asking for an Incredible Hulk doll and...and gettin' your sister's Ken doll painted green." You know, not to stand up for him, but there's really nothing wrong with Jon that giving him a kick in the head, a concussion, and a lengthy hospital stay wouldn't fix. Oh, wait. Giving him those things would fix what's wrong with me. My mistake.

Camp of the Damned. Andrew and Ryan-O are taking a stroll over to another part of the island so that they can try fishing with the spear. Yes, kids, that's right -- the Tribe of the Damned has had a fishing spear this entire time, and yet they have chosen to rely on improvised nets, a tiny supply of hooks, and, apparently, the power of hope. Oh, the irony. Andrew says that they're trying the other side of the island, because one of their maps indicated some "dorsal fins" on that side, so he thought there might be sharks or fish over there. Hey, I know! Let's go fishing where the sharks are! (Eye-roll.) Andrew says that he and Ryan-O were hoping that the other side would have "a multitude of fish." A multitude? Who says "multitude" in regular conversation? Can I look forward to some smiting and healing of lepers in this story? Anyway, Andrew is back in his grungy business suit and sneakers, so he looks pretty damn funny tromping off into the jungle. Ryan-O is in a t-shirt and a pair of jeans, which is presumably what he was wearing when they got there. Relatively speaking, he looks normal. The fellas stomp their way through the various trees, occasionally pausing to consult about which way to go, based on their cartoon-like map. I keep half-expecting them to stop and look for the big "N," "S," "E," and "W" that the map indicates should be somewhere floating in the water. I have to say, bushwhacking in a suit? Is just funny.

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