Survivor

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Sara M: B- | Grade It Now!
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Gabon Again

We come back from break to a montage of Crystal's greatest moments. First up, she begins this season by proudly telling us that she's an Olympic gold medalist. Then she sucks out loud at everything but tries to defend herself by saying she just wasn't participating as much as she normally does. It ends with her spectacular non-dunk. They could have played that montage over and over again every Thursday instead of the actual show and I think it would have been better. In fact, I don't see why we can't have a spin-off where Crystal tries to play a different sport each week and fails every time. It never gets old! Crystal laughs, and Probst says the question he got the most, from all those people on the street who apparently run up to him and ask questions about this show, is "Did Crystal really win an Olympic gold medal?" Crystal brought her gold medal to the taping to prove it and holds it up to the camera, but I don't know if that helps her or hurts her. At this point, I might have said that I wasn't an Olympic gold medalist at all just to save face. Then we see a picture of her in the Olympics, towering over the rest of her relay team.

Now that Crystal's Olympic authenticity has been established, Probst's next question is "what happened? You couldn't do anything out there!" Crystal says she can run around a circle, but she can't run up hills or swim. "I am not a fish. I'm a runner, a horse, a gazelle!" she says. Gazelles can run up hills, though. Horses, too. Hell, I've seen fish that could flop their way up a hill faster than Crystal did. Crystal says one of her gold medalist friends called her every week to tell her how much she sucked in challenges during the show. That's hilarious. The shame! Probst asks about the "people on the street" and if they're more forgiving than her Olympian friend. Damn right they are! Crystal is over a foot taller than me -- I wouldn't go up to her and talk shit. Although if I did, I'm pretty sure I could out-run her. She says people who came up to her mostly cheered for the way she told everyone off and didn't have much to say about her athletic non-prowess, which was a relief.

We're starting to run low on time, so Probst suddenly turns to Dan and asks him if he was surprised to see what people said about him behind his back, since he's so sensitive. Dan has a terrible haircut, and for some reason, they're shooting him from a camera that's in front of the fire, so he's all wavy, too. Way to suck at staging, crew. Don't they do this twice a year? Why haven't they gotten it right yet? Dan says it's important to remember who you are and be confident. Unless you're Corinne, in which case, you should do and say the opposite of what you think. This gets a round of applause from the audience, so I hope that makes Dan feel good. It's not his fault he got stuck on a tribe with Corinne and Marcus and they said all that mean stuff about him. And he can take heart in the fact that their decision to vote him out and keep Susie in bit them in the ass so hard.

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Survivor

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